Go here:

This is where I'm writing now:  (In other words, the new plan I was talking about!)


byebyetwenties.blogspot.com

See ya there!

The End

So, this blog didn't go as planned.  29 is coming to an end and well, there's no way to update all the months I've missed.


Don't worry.  I have a plan.  Stay tuned.

Just a day

So, lately I've been noticing how self-reliant I've become over the course of this year. 

It used to be that I had a group of work friends that I hung out with, or friends from my Second City class, or my girls from when I was a teenager (or younger).

But lately, and since I've been living on my own, I've realized that more often I can be found either hanging out completely alone, or hanging out with Max.

That's not to say that I don't have great friends.  Quite the contrary...I know a ton of wonderful people and I see them pretty much weekly.  What I'm missing is some sort of regular friendship-hanging-out-type-situation. 

I don't seem to have that anymore really.  It's partly my own fault for being so on-the-go all the time, I realize.  And I have been hanging out with Kelly more often...only she'll be leaving in August for grad school...so...you know...then what?

I don't really see my old work friends anymore.  I don't know if it's because it's awkward since I'm no longer employed there or what.  I mean, it's understandable but it's like one minute it's there and the next...gone.  (Minus a few random and fun rock band parties with a couple of the guys.)

My friends that I've grown up with all have their own schedules.  Either they work crazy hours, or they're busy with dating, or, like me, sometimes they're just so plain exhausted the couch is the only place they really want to be once they're done with their days.

The friends I've made through this past year and a half of improv are also top notch.  The only problem is, I live in Indiana...so it's hard to just get together randomly.  It's not like I can hop a bus somewhere.  I've got to battle traffic and whatnot.  And, honestly, who wants to come out to my place in Indiana when they live in Chicago?  I can't blame them. 

I spent almost 6 hours hanging out in Chicago yesterday...alone.  After my class, I grabbed dinner at a booth by myself.  Walked around Wrigleyville and window shopped by myself.  And finally ended up back at iO, where I was technically not by myself as I know a lot of the folks there last night, but if you look at the bigger picture, I was by myself.  Someone asked me, "Who'd you come here with, Tiff?"  I answered: "No one."

Around midnight, another friend asked, "You spent this entire time since we got out of class alone in Wrigleyville?"
To which I answered, "Yup."

I'm not complaining.  I'm not trying to throw a pity party.  I'm just pointing out my own personal realization I guess. 

But growing up as an only child, I guess I'm kind of used to the whole thing at this point.  I didn't really have friends growing up.  I was sensitive and quiet and shy.  Other kids really enjoyed taking advantage of this.  I had toys stolen because they knew I wouldn't do anything about it.  I was picked on in class, at lunch, on the playground.  Told that the game some kids were playing was for two people only, so I couldn't join in. 

Once I was even forgotten and left by my entire girl scout troop after a field trip--Scout Leaders included.  We'd gone to a zoo one summer in the 2nd or 3rd grade, and had returned to the school parking lot.  The school was closed for summer, so no one was in the building.  The other girls were picked up, one by one, until there was just me and the troop leader and her kids.  My mom wasn't there yet, but the leader had to go somewhere else.

So what did she do?  She packed her kids in her car and just drove off.  She left me alone in an empty parking lot, 6 or 7years old, to just fend for myself. 

At first I remember blaming myself.  Like, I must be some sort of problem.  Then I started to panic.  I ran to the school doors and knocked, but no one came.  I'd heard stories of kids getting kidnapped, and pretty soon I found myself hiding in one of the big plastic tunnel tubes on the playground, just praying my mom or someone would come. 

A few neighborhood kids came.  They looked at me, and then decided just to play with each other.

Eventually my mom came.  She.  Was.  Pissed.

When it comes to grade school, I do remember one kid...his name was Christopher I think.  He was a redheaded boy with freckles.  I think we were in first or second grade and I remember playing Star Wars with him.  The painted hopscotch thingy on the pavement was our ship. 

I don't remember anything else about him.  Heck, I don't remember him in class or at any moment before or after that one moment on the playground.  I just remember thinking he was really nice for playing with me even though no one else wanted to...and even though I'd never seen Star Wars.

It was just that one time...at least as far as I can remember...



As the years went on, I did make a few best friends, but for some reason a new girl would come along and all of a sudden I was out of the picture.  I was an easy target.  If you picked on Tiff, she'd cry.  Which, to grade school kids is hilarious.  And so, it happened often.

When I got older, things seemed to change a bit.  In high school I had a pretty great gaggle of friends, as a matter of fact I'm still very best friends with my first friend from 5th grade, when I changed schools.

Unfortunately, we're always both so busy we haven't been able to see each other since last July.

I don't know, this year I'm starting to feel like that solitary little girl again.  Only now, thank goodness, I'm not shy and easily picked on.  I'm just...super busy?  And geographically undesirable?  Maybe? 

Day, um...a Day of Pondering

So, it's been a whirlwind. 

No...seriously.  A series of ups and downs and and loops and...you get the point.

I think the biggest thing that I'm dealing with, as I inch closer and closer to 30 is that I'm just not sure what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life. 

Here is what I know:

I know that I love to perform.  Improv has changed my life.  It's like...well...it's like let's say you spent your entire life thinking you were an only child and it's always felt like a part of you was missing...and then one day *BAM* your long lost twin knocks on your door and you suddenly feel complete.

In other words, improv is like a piece of my soul that's finally been reunited with the rest of my soul.

I also know that I love to write. 

What I don't know is how I'm supposed to make a living as those two things typically don't pay the bills.

I dunno.  I'll figure it out.

On a positive note, I was thinking about where I was in my life a year ago, and you know what?  I'm actually happier now than I was then.

Even though I'm still struggling with it, I know myself much better than I did then.

This time last year I was pretty stressed out and dreading the summer or at least feared that my summer would be nonexistent...and it kind of was in a sense.  I was incredibly busy and stressed with a project.  I felt like a bad mom because I was so exhausted and mentally drained...so much so that I didn't have the energy to spend the time with my son that I wanted to give him and that he deserved.  I was torn between who I knew I was, and who I needed to be at that time.  And they were conflicting.

Now, although it's not perfect, I'm far less stressed.  I'm enjoying my house, my summer, myself, and most importantly time with my child.  As a matter of fact, today we went to the museum, then to dinner, and then to a short-form show at ComedySportz.  We laughed.  We had a blast.  And for the first time in almost 2 years I realized that the time I was spending with him finally felt like I was spending it with him because, well, I just like to spend time with him.

Sometimes it used to have this tinge of guilt infused with it.  I was there and present and having fun, but there was this cloud hanging over that felt like I needed to spend this time because I was being pulled away and was typically too stressed.  Today I realized that cloud was gone.  That we were spending time and having fun and I didn't feel like there was this part of me apologizing for being so busy and tired all the time.

Instead, we just had fun together...pressing buttons, learning about storms, and trying to find all of the "dead people" in the model train exhibit (you know...the poor miniature figurines that have, over the decades, fallen over and never been re-glued.)  Hilarious.

Day ???

So again, I've fallen behind.  Why?  Because so many wonderful things are happening!

I'm writing again.  That's right.  I'm working on two different stories.  Not sure if they're novels or short stories, but they're alive and growing, and I'm really excited about it.

Also, this past weekend were the auditions for the Playground's Incubator program.  Long story short:  I made the newest Incubator team!


I can't even begin to tell you how excited, happy, and humbled I am about this.  There was so much talent between the first audition and the callbacks.  To have been chosen from such a group has really made me appreciate all the hard work and respect we improvisers have for this fun and amazing work we do. 

My mindset during the whole experience was to stay away from any form of judgment first of all.  When I say this, I mainly mean judgment of myself.  I used to do this a lot before, but I've been working on this in all facets of my life, and thankfully, I let it go a while back and it stayed away during the audition.  This freed me up to do the next thing I made sure to do:  just have a shit ton of fun. 

I wanted to play and have a great time.  I wanted to discover things and play with new people.  I wanted to have a positive experience and just let go.  So I did.  I didn't beat myself up for anything, even if after a scene or montage I thought about what I could have done better.  That's never going to go away.  But what I realized is that I just had to be present, in the moment, and play to the best of my ability while having the most fun I could possibly have.

Which isn't hard to do, because improv is probably the most fun (next to my moments with my son) I ever have.

Again, I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am that I get to be a part of this new journey and experience and I can't wait to work with the other nine very talented improvisers who were also chosen.  But honestly, everyone I got to work with during the auditions was so super cool and talented, there isn't a single one I wouldn't play with. 

Chicago is an amazing place, with amazing improv talent.  And I am blessed to be a part of it.

*Happy Dance!*

Day 197

I love Saturdays.  I'm taking my Level 4B on Saturdays and so far, the first two classes have been incredible.  Today I played a sheep, some sort of migraine bacteria (hahaha), a disgusting yoga instructor, a child in a swimming pool, a fish in a Petco fish tank, and so many other wonderful characters...surrounded by the wonderful characters my classmates brought. 

I'm so honest when I say that improv has changed my life.  It's not only that I love it...
...it's a part of me.

Day 196

I interned tonight.  Unfortunately I was not only too tired to Jam it up at the All-Star Celebrity Jam for Charity hosted by 3033, but I let my fear get a hold of me.

Yup.  I still get nervous, especially in a Jam situation.  I guess this will always be true, I mean the fear part.  What's going to change is allowing that fear to win.  From now on, I'm going to follow the fear...and whether I succeed or fail in my performance (or my writing...there's some fear there too), it won't matter. 

I'm going to do it because I was put here to do it.  And it's far worse to deny that and miss opportunities than to save face by not trying and therefore not failing.  That's really a failure in itself.  A failure that you can't learn from, other than reminding yourself that not doing anything at all is far worse than giving it a shot, come what may.

This upcoming Friday, I'm definitely going to try to play an actual game (provided there's time and I'm not super exhausted.)  But if it appears that I'm just afraid to get up there, then I'm going to hop on that stage as soon as is humanly possible.  

I love performing.  And I don't want a silly fear to ever prevent me from doing so.  Ever.

Day 195

I am not a violent person.

As a matter of fact, many people have informed me that I'm probably "too nice."

However, when it comes to my kid...I can turn Hulk in an instant.  Well, sort of.  I mean, I do have self-control.  But that doesn't stop the initial surge of fiery adrenaline pumping through my veins when I'm told some kid went bat-shit crazy and tried to punch my son and nearly hit him with a plastic baseball bat---over a swing.

Luckily everything is fine now, but seriously...nothing hurts more that that.  Not a bad breakup, not failing a major final, not losing your job, not even a gallbladder attack (which I will argue is worse than labor, being that I've experienced both.) 

Parenthood isn't easy, but it's worth it. 

Day 194

Saw Cesar's last "Felt" performance tonight, followed by Tj and Dave, impromptu karaoke at Holiday Club, and closing down Nick's. 

It was a super fun night, which even included an old photo booth.

I really love my friends.  And I'm going to miss the one's who are leaving...but I know they'll do great!

Day 193

Max turned 10 today.

First of all, I can't believe a decade passed so quickly.  It seems like just yesterday I was at the maternity store trying to find the most stylish pair of jeans containing an elastic front belly panel.  (Actually, I found 2 pairs, which I saved thinking there would be another baby at some point.  That idea is still up in the air.   Really high up in the air.  Still, the jeans are in a box in my parents' garage.)

Second of all, it's amazing to me to think that I've been a parent for 1/3rd of my life.  Let's put this into perspective for a moment.  I spent 1/3rd as a young child, 1/3rd as an adolescent, and this past third as a parent.  So, in addition to trying to figure out my own adult life, I was also sustaining a completely separate human life. 

That's pretty huge, no?

And amazingly?  He's turned out really great. 

I couldn't be more proud of him and who he is.

Day 192

I applied for a couple jobs today.   Fingers crossed!  That about sums this Monday up. 

So interesting, I know.

Day 126 - 191 OR "What Happened to March and April?!"

So, I blew it.  I managed to get so far behind that there's no way to go back and rewrite all of the blog posts for March AND April.

But you know what?  It's cool.  Instead, I'll just continue fresh and just jot down a few of the high and low points for the past 60 some odd days:

• I finished Level 4 at iO, which was an amazing experience.
• I'm still unemployed. (But looking!)
• I have a Life/Wellness Coach and it's been amazing.
• I auditioned for a show and didn't make it, however, I did really well for my first real audition.  Go me
• I'm still a redhead.
• I haven't gained or lost any weight.  This is fantastic, as it's the longest I've maintained my weight in years.  (Although, with bikini season on the horizon, I'd like to tone up just a smidge.)
• I'm still addicted to coffee.  Probably more now than ever.
• There are always plums in my house these days.  So delicious.
• I bought my first lawnmower.  And have now become that yard freak constantly wanting to maintain the short, fresh mowed lawn.
• I will not mow one of my neighbors' yards because they haven't even introduced themselves yet, and it's not that I'm mean, but gas is expensive and I can't let them believe that it's not their responsibility to take care of their part of the property.  (Unless they argue that it's actually MY property, in which case, commence measuring for the deck and or pool...or at the very least a putting green for Max.)
• I'm getting better at cooking.  No really.  
• I realize a little more everyday how much I love life with a toaster oven.
• I have actual living room furniture now.
• I tried to weed my garden.  All I know is that the brown stuff is dead stuff.  I can't differentiate between good green things and bad green things.
• One of my friends recently told me that she missed the Tiff who openly embraced her awkwardness.  I do too, actually.  So, embrace it again I will.  I am often pretty awkward and I'm just fine with that these days.  

From here on out, it's a fresh start to the blog.  So please, come back often.  Maybe even daily.

Okay...weekly is probably a better option.

And hey, here's a file from something I actually heard while walking in the vicinity of Wrigleyville this morning: Jogger to his jogging partner: "You won't believe how many wind farts there are."

True story. 

(And actually, I do believe it, sir.  But thanks for the heads up.)

Day 125

It was my last day of level 3.  So sad, but so exciting at the same time. 

Here are a few things I realized tonight:

1.) I am surrounded by immensely talented people all the time.  And it's a beautiful thing.
2.) I'm stronger than I think.
3.) Mimosas are good day or night.
4.) All I want is a goddamned crab cake right now.
5.) I need to get back to meditation and inner peace and strength.
6.) Being good at your art doesn't mean getting somewhere where you feel you need to get to be considered good.   It comes from the essence of the art.  The starting point.  Becoming undeniable in your own right.  I need to get back to my typewriter and my stage and be okay with the path that I'm on, knowing that my love for the work and my unique talents are enough of a starting point to create and contribute to wonderful things.
7.) I dance like an idiot.
8.) I'm going to miss my level 3 classmates.
9.) Tim and Jet taught me so much in the past 8 weeks that I am a changed person because of it.
10.) Don't. Give. Up.    Ever.

Day 124

Angela and I decided to brave the weather and check out the local watering holes near my new house, just for shits and giggles.

We spent most of the night being ignored by regulars, just shootin' the shit. 

I also came to a realization that I am done with people's bullcrap. 

That saying, "don't make people a priority when they only consider you an option"

Yep...this is my new mantra.

I don't understand how one minute someone can go from being your friend, wanting to hang out regularly, talking for hours about random shit and laughing--to never calling, texting, or saying they want to do something but never coming through or always jetting for something else...all in the course of a couple weeks.

Well, I do understand, but I really hate to believe that my gut feeling is correct in the matter.  Mainly that I've been used or worse, that I'm unlikable...that the person got to know me and realized they didn't really like me as a person.

I guess that could be true.  But cut me some slack.  This past month has been ridiculous. 

Whatever the case, one of two things needs to happen in this situation, because I'm getting annoyed:

1.) Man (or woman) up (I'm trying to be discreet here...), and tell me you don't ever really want to hang out again but just want to remain friends in situations where we see each other.  Outside of that, you want nothing to do with me really.  That's fine.  I get it.  And I'm cool with it.

2.) Act like the friend you claim to be. 

It's really that simple.   Because it's really not fair to string someone along in order to save face.  It doesn't work.  And it's hurtful, because I'm sitting here thinking that either I'm unlikeable, or I was just expendable...even after revealing things about myself that I only reveal to those I trust.

I know, I know, that's a lot to take in.  But I needed to vent. 

And I need to remember this situation as I move forward, so I don't repeat the mistake.  :) 

Day 123

Went to Pioneer Tap with all my girls for karaoke.

I was supposed to head to the city, but the weather was being rather pesky. 

We had a great time though.  Singing, laughing, bitching, and remembering how free we used to be before we started to realize that we're actually going to be 30 before we know it. 

It kind of inspired a spark in all of us, to start doing more things. 

On a whim, we took my Ghost Radar application on my iPhone to the cemetery next to the bar at 3am. 

We're hilarious. 

Day 122

Well, it was a Monday.  Woo freaking hoo.

I cleaned some today, but other than that, I spent a lot of time foolishly wallowing in self doubt. 

I'm blaming it on hormones.  But I feel so stuck in a rut.  Maybe I just need to take some time and regroup. 

Or eat copious amounts of chocolate.

It's the same effect really.

Day 121

Spent the day with Max.  The results of our Valentine's foot experiment are in:

My feet have more bacteria than his.  Gross.

It's likely because I've taken to wearing two pairs of socks at all time.  That's what I'm going with, anyways.

Day 120

I had planned to head out to iO tonight, but the weather and my laziness kept me in.  Plus, Melissa called me and I hadn't seen her in ages.

We ended up at Pioneer Tap, just sitting and talking.  It was a pretty fun night.  And to top it off, an elderly couple was there in Western Wear, square dancing to every song regardless of the genre.

Still, my mind was all over the place.  There are just some things I will never understand.

More specifically, people.  There are people I will never understand...and why they do the things they do when it was so super easy to just be honest and let it be done with and move on.  But no.  No one wants to feel like an asshole I guess.  I don't know. 

Live and learn.  Although at this point, I'm pretty sure, Universe, that I get the message loud and clear.

I'm starting to become cynical.  I don't like that one bit.

Day 119

After my intern shift, I ended up with Jenn and Eric at a diner.  I wanted Eggs Benedict.

Badly.

As soon as I saw it on the menu, that was it.  All I had to do was wait for Jenn and Eric to decide and in moments my mouf would be filled with the sweet ecstasy that is hollandaise.

So you can imagine my disappointment when the waiter informed us they were all out of hollandaise.

Boo.

I ordered a corned beef skillet.  It was not good and was garnished with a whole banana.  Why?

After being dropped off at my car, I was in a pissy mood.  I guess I started thinking about things and they decided to take over my previously jovial mood. 

(But I honestly think that if I'd had hollandaise, all would have remained right with the world...)

Day 118

I love my iO Level 3 class.  Only one more left!  I can't believe it. 

My time with all of my classmates plus Tim and Jet has been AMAZING.  I've been learning so much. 

Improv is such a huge part of my soul.  What did I ever do without it before?

And, more importantly, how can I do MORE of it?

Day 117

I debated going out tonight.  Then, I decided on a bottle of wine and a movie on my couch instead.

I watched 500 Days of Summer, and as much as I adore Zooey Deschanel, I hated this movie.

I also ended up ordering a pizza and devouring it all by myself.  In my brand new yoga pants. 

Great.

Night.

Day 116

I saw my first Reckoning show tonight.  It was their birthday show, which was awesome...I mean in terms of seeing my first Reckoning show and all.

It's not that I haven't wanted to go, but until recently, Tuesday nights were one of my Max nights.  Then his dad's work schedule changed, and it made much more sense to switch Tuesdays and Thursdays so that we could each spend time with him.

I'm babbling.  I know.

What else?  Oh, so...I like to be prepared.  In my purse you'll find the following:

• Hairspray
• Perfume
• Hairbrush
• Make-up kit
• Stamps
• Checks
• My writing notebooks
• Deodorant
• Hair ties
• Lip glosses
• A bra sometimes
• Contact case
• Glasses
• A deck of writer inspiration cards
• Candy
• Altoids
• Handi-wipes
• Kleenex/Napkins
• Errant Legos
• Earrings
• Pens
• Coupons
• An extra pair of comfortable shoes

You get the point.  On that same note, I also tend to keep a condom in my coin purse.  It's not that I plan on using it.  But I'd much rather know it's there than end up in a situation where it's needed and when I got through my purse, all I can manage to wrangle up is the plastic cover from my Kleenex purse-pack.

So, I ended up visiting a friend who was Djing at a bar near iO after the Reckoning show.  This awkward and somewhat inebriated gentleman, came up to my Dj friend and asked for a condom.  After he left, sad-eyed and down trodden, I informed my friend that I, in fact, had one that I had no foreseeable use for.

In other words, I contributed to the safe sex movement...even though it wasn't my own.  Go me.

Ended up watching male figure-skating on the Olympics with another friend after I left the bar.  Good freaking times. 

Even more great was the fact that I got beads...and no boob-showing was involved.  :)  I win.

Day 115

Well, it's President's Day.

Originally, I was hoping that I'd have my tax refund by now and would be able to invest in some living room furniture.

Unfortunately, it's going to take 6 to 8 weeks.  On top of that, I'm unemployed, which means I need to hang on to every bit of money I have until I find a new job.

Until then I'll have to deal with my couch-induced bursitis flare ups.

Went to my parents' house with Max for dinner and game night. 

Drooled over Presidents' Day mattress and furniture sales.

Also, have I mentioned lately how much I love my son?  He is amazing.  He just is.  :)

Day 114

Bah.

Man-baby Cupid ran out of arrows...or at least felt no need to spend one on me.

Although, one friend was nice enough to text me a happy Valentine's Day, and later Max's dad sent out a Happy Valentine's Day text as well.

But who cares really.  I have ice cream.  And I ate ice cream.  And it was delicious.

And besides, I think my Valentine's Day was way cooler than any silly old romantic date.

Max and I spent the afternoon using his science experiment kit. We've got 5 experiments running:

1.) How the gases in yeast work.
2.) Does antibacterial ointment really work?
3.) Does toothpaste kill germs?
4.) Does soap kill germs?

And my favorite...the Pièce de résistance:

5.) Whose toes are the grubbiest?  Mine?  or Maxwell's?

Everyone seems to think that Max will win in quantity, but that whatever might be growing between my toes is far more volitile.

Fair enough.

Day 113

Oh fuck.

Valentine's Day is tomorrow. 

Gah.

I'm not negative about it.  But I can't lie.  There is this silly part of me, that silly girl gene, bubbling up inside me with excitement that maybe...just maybe...a secret admirer will send me some flowers or chocolates, or a singing telegram performed by a grown man sporting a bow and arrow and a diaper. 

I try to ignore that silly girl part.  Really I do.  I know better.  And I'm not trying to be bitter or cynical, but thinking that someone is going to send me a Valentine's Day gesture is akin to me assuming that I'm going to win the lottery without buying a damned ticket.

Does it make me a little sad?  Yes.

Am I up in arms about it?  No.

Will I continue to hope that the rational part of me is wrong and the silly girl part of me is right?  You sure-as-shit bet I will.

Also, Max brought home a Snuggie today.  And as often as I made fun of this product, I gotta say...it's decently great (although I would argue that the fabric is too thin...but still...I enjoy lying on my couch, feeling a bit like a monk.  A very warm monk with total use of my arms.)

P.S.  If you just so happen to be a secret admirer...here's a little hint:  http://www.buzzillions.com/reviews/cost-plus-world-market-peruvian-alpaca-reviews

Although they're not available online anymore...I know there are about 30 of them in stock here:  http://maps.google.com/maps?oe=utf-8&client=firefox-a&rlz=1R1GGGL_en___US359&um=1&ie=UTF-8&q=1623+n.+sheffield+ave.+chicago&fb=1&gl=us&hnear=1623+n.+sheffield+ave.+chicago&cid=0,0,4332304857762510930&ei=csJ6S6H_LcnZnAfWnszMCQ&sa=X&oi=local_result&ct=image&resnum=1&ved=0CAgQnwIwAA

Day 112

So there's been a switch in my parenting schedule.  See, Max's dad now works on Thursday nights.  So we decided to switch Tuesdays and Thursday nights because it really benefits Max and maximizes our time with him.

Of course, I still have Thursday night classes for two weeks, but after those are done, I'll hopefully be switching to Tuesday nights (or possibly a weekend afternoon if need be).

I was a little tired today because I went to Alex's apartment to stay with Max until he got home from work.  Because I don't get home from class until 11:30 or so, and Alex doesn't get home until well after midnight, it makes sense just to sit with Max and let him sleep.  No use waking him up at 11:30 just to drive him to my house these next two weeks.

Anyhow, I'm tangenting.  Had my iO shift tonight.  I worked downstairs for the first time since last term.  It was a nice change of pace actually.  I kind of left in a huff after the bar shut down.

Sometimes I take things personally that I shouldn't take personally.  Especially when the circumstances are a little off-kilter to begin with.   Why I do that, I'll never know.  It's as if I feel like unless I'm perfect, the world around me just dislikes me.  Like I really have to prove myself. 

If you know me, you'll notice how much I apologize for everything---I mean everything.  Things that couldn't possibly be my fault, I apologize for.  As if, by some strange force, my mere existence is the reason for someone else's issues or problems.

Why do I do that?  Why do I assume that if something isn't going right or someone is behaving a certain way, it's automatically because I must have done something wrong?

That's a lot of pressure for one person.  I don't get where in my life I got this silly complex.

In class 2 weeks ago, Jet said something that really resonated and made me think about this---especially in those moments where I put all blame and responsibility on myself or something I must have done.   She said, "I don't care if you're late, but try to be on time.  I mean, if you're coming in late, I'm not going to assume it's because of me or that you don't like me.  But if you're late, and we're in the middle of an exercise, you won't be able to play."

See that?  Right there?  I mean, if you're coming in late, I'm not going to assume it's because of me or that you don't like me.

It was in that moment that I realized that's exactly what I do.  I assume I've done something and the actions or issues are because of a dislike or mistake about me.

That's no good.  But how do you fix that?  Inward reflection?  Blatant disregard of that feeling?  Just stepping away from that part of me that feels responsible for everything and saying, "Woman...no one person needs to feel responsible for everything and everyone on this planet.  So stop it.  Worry about yourself.  And when something is your fault, by golly you'll know it" ?

I don't have the answer yet, but acknowledging this is definitely a step in the right direction.

Still, I think there was a little part of the issue that set me off Friday night that was valid...even if it was cocktail-induced.

I ended up doing karaoke with friends and enjoying eggs Benedict at the Golden Angel at 5am...accompanied by great conversation with a very close friend. 

Day 111

I had my Level 3 iO class tonight.  I really love it.  Tonight we just worked on opening ourselves up, discovering the tactics we use to protect ourselves when we're uncomfortable on stage, and really vibing our scene partners.

It's always such an awakening. 

Things have been so crazy that when it was my turn to really just open up to everything, I'm shocked I didn't cry.  In fact, I ended up laughing.  

I also ended up realizing that when I get uncomfortable, I close my eyes.  I never noticed, but once Jet pointed it out, it couldn't have been more obvious to me.  Honestly, everytime I say or do something that makes me question myself, whether on stage or in real life, I close my eyes.  Usually it's in a laugh, but I close my eyes nonetheless.  It's as though I'm pretending I'm invisible, or trying to reboot or fast forward the moment.  If I can't see it, they can't see me and it's all not happening.

I'm really gonna try to stop doing that.  I mean, I could be missing out on so much that way.  Think of the moments I already have missed.

Day 110

I went to iO tonight to catch a few shows. 

It's odd.  Even though I have more time to go out and see the world, I've been doing far less of it.  Mainly because I'm tethered to my computer all day trying to find new employment.  Unfortunately, as many lines as I've been casting, no one seems to want to bite.

It's frustrating, and a bit demoralizing.  It's hard when you hear that you have talent and someone else could benefit from having you on their team--and then discovering you're that kid in gym class that no one wants to pick.  (Which, by the way, is crazy---because I play a mean game of dodge ball.  At least, I used to...)

I also have this weird thing going on with my right leg.  Muscle weakness or something.  I don't know.

Day 109

Well, I applied for 2 jobs today.

Wow.  Um.  Really that's all that happened.

I picked up Max from his dad's house.  Came home, got him all ready for bed, read him a book, and then did laundry.

Oh, yeah, I also recorded myself singing a slowed down version of Cheap Trick's "I Want You To Want Me."

I've always loved it when people cover fast songs but change them into ballads. (Well, usually.  Sometimes the attempt fails miserably.)  I've also always wanted to do that to "I Want You To Want Me."  Because I don't play an instrument, I had to do it acapella...and it's still a work in progress.  If I ever perfect it, I'll post it.

However, if you play guitar, or piano, or even, I don't know, a mean recorder...and would like to collaborate with me...let me know.  Seriously.  It's the freaking Year of Creative Endeavors.

Day 108

Monday.

More job hunting.  More resume updating.  More, well, of the same. 

The time off is nice, in terms of catching up to myself...however, more than a week is a little scary.  I forget things like what day of the week it is.  Or sometimes I leap up outta the blue, thinking I've forgotten a meeting or something.

So. Weird.

Went over to Max's dad's house for a family dinner.  Followed by American Pickers and Hoarders.  After Max went to bed, his dad and I watched the Will Ferrell George W. Bush special on HBO.  It was okay. 

What impressed me was his ability to hold his face the way he did for so long.  That's a skill I long to possess. 

Day 107

Even though I didn't technically fall asleep until 7am this morning, I was pretty good on energy all day.

Picked up Max, and then got some groceries.  I decided it would be fun to make our own pizza for dinner.  (I also made cream cheese, chili, cheese dip because it's my favorite thing to eat on Super Bowl Sunday since Angela brought it over for the 2003 Super Bowl.)

Also, we like to wear ridiculous sunglasses when we cook.  We're cool like that.

Day 106

Today...

was EPICALLY fun.

Went to see "From Paris with Love" with Ryan at 4:30.  The movie is so bad it's actually brilliant.  Travolta's character is, what I imagined, Danny Zuko years after a messy divorce with Sandy, just going bat shit crazy.

It's a fun ride.  As absurd as the whole plot line is.

Afterwards, we got some coffee.  I had intended to go up to iO for some shows, but honestly?  I was having just as much fun B.S.ing with Ryan.  Talking about furniture.  And my lack of absurd humor.

We ended up playing Rock Band...and by complete random chance, another mutual friend whom I had not seen in ages ended up hanging out with us.  We ordered pizza (chipotle ranch sauce is delicious.  I don't care what anyone thinks.), played Beatles Rock Band, and then finally the best game of Songburst ever to happen.

I was so tired, and so overjoyed at not to be feeling down about myself, that I just took the time to laugh and enjoy the moment.  First time in a long time.  I was drunk on laughter.  My face hurt.  It was amazing.

So, to my Songburst/Rock Band crew tonight:  Thank you so much for the brilliance of today.  Seriously.  You have no idea how much I needed it and how much I appreciate it.  You are seriously the best guys a girl could know.

And your acceptance of my made up song lyrics makes you even that much more awesome in my book.

:D>

Day 105

Ah, Friday.

I've been driving to Wrigleyville the past couple weeks as I no longer have the benefit of a free parking lot near the redline stop. 

At first it was scary.  And I assume that when baseball season starts up, it's going to get scary again.  But I'll figure it out.

Tonight I found free parking.  Amazing.  I've been paying $10 to park in a lot near iO.  Really, in terms of how it used to be...it's totally worth it.  Especially in the winter.  Before I'd have to park, walk to the redline stop, pay about $5 for roundtrip, walk to iO, then walk back to the station and then back to my car...very late at night, in the freezing cold.  The extra $5 is worth it. 

Saw two great Shakespeare performances.  Then I stuck around after my shift and had a much needed drink.  It was a chill night.  I drove home and something hit my brain.  Something pretty profound. 

A realization of sorts.  I'm not sure what to do with it, actually.  On the one hand, it's pretty obvious what I want to do...but on the other hand I'm not sure how to a.) go about it and b.) if it's the right thing.  (That's not the right phrasing...but it's as close as I can think of at the moment.)

We shall see...we shall see.

Day 104

Thank God for improv.

I had my first Level 3 at iO with Jet this evening.  Mind-blowing.  And much needed.

I was able to experience and deal with all of the emotions and situations from the past week in a healthy and healing way.

One of those situations actually sprung up right before class.  I guess I brought it on.  I mean, I asked the question.  But I think what sent me from being understanding to being angry was the nearly 24-hour delay in response.

If I ask a somewhat important or deep question--something that is probably uncomfortable to answer because you know I've picked up on whatever it is--it's not cool to just let it hang there...for hours.

A simple "Yes, we should talk about this but I'm busy blah blah blahing right now." would suffice.  At least I wouldn't be sitting there, in addition to all of the other loads of suck I'm currently bathing in, thinking I've just made an ass of myself yet again.

And maybe I shouldn't have flown off the handle as quickly as I did in this situation, but I haven't exactly been in the best spirits lately (as hard as I've tried).  And the fact that I knew what was going on the entire time, but I couldn't get confirmation just made the whole thing worse.

I don't like to feel used.  I don't like to feel like I'm being misunderstood.  I don't like feeling like someone thinks I'm blatantly unaware of the obvious...ignorance is bliss...true...but I"m intuitive, not ignorant.

So dealing with that situation only a couple hours before class was not ideal.  However, like I said, I got to experience those emotions *in* class.  I initiated a scene with it.  I created a pretend version of it.  Sure it was different than the actual circumstances.  (Actually, it went much more smoothly than the actual circumstances.)  But it was a healthy way to deal and let it go.

Which I semi-successfully did.  We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Also, please check out Breakfast Club: The Totally 80's Musical!  It's super fun.  The cast is super talented. And the director is awesome.  Seriously.  Fun times.

Day 103

Oh for Pete's sake.  Again, I've failed.  How much failure is one girl supposed to take in a week?

My audition wasn't "absurd" enough.  Or more correctly, my humor isn't absurd enough according to them.

My humor can be absurd.  But it's hard to be absurd in some circumstances.  I mean, there are times that blatant absurdity works, and other times when it's not appropriate.  In this case, as a writer, I felt the latter was true for what I was writing about.  And I stand by my decision.

But still, I can't help but feeling like I got naked, and someone just vomited in the garbage can upon seeing me.

But really, there is nothing absurdly funny about a starving country.*  That's delicate territory.
And so is my confidence in my purpose on this planet at the moment.

(*Nothing politically correct or appropriate, that is.)

Day 102

So apparently the company didn't particularly like what they saw the first time around.

But they're giving me another shot.

I did play it a little safe in my writing audition.  Wore the granny panties as opposed to those cute little boy shorts with the tiny hot pink bow and navy blue sailor stripes.

Gonna try it again.  Of course, how in the world am I supposed to not feel self-conscious in this situation?  I'm gonna go balls-out, but I can't help but feel a little more reserved than I did on my first attempt.  If we was in a room with all of the lights on last time, I'm thinking that this time it's more like I've bought a score of candles and am just praying for the perfect arrangement of shadows...

...well that and that the place doesn't completely burn to the ground.

Day 101

So, I got an email yesterday about a copywriting position.  I've been working all day trying to make my audition perfect.  The timing is impeccable.  I mean really.

But I think I'm just a little nervous.

Job hunting is a little like dating after being in a serious relationship for years.  Although you know who you are, and what you have to offer, you have to get back out there and prove your worth all over again.

Sort of like the first time you end up having to get naked in front of someone new. 

You're basically dropping trou for all potential employers, bearing your soul...and your stretchmarks, in the hopes that they like or are at least okay with what they see.  It's scary.

And somewhat chilly.

Day 100

I felt super energized today.  I also had some good news come my way.  More on that in the days to come though.

Highlight of my day?  A NERF gun war with Max.  Followed by a NERF gun ambush on his dad later in the evening.  We went over there for dinner as Max wanted to spend some extra time with him.  It was fun.  We ordered pizza and laughed and watched Mythbusters.

Got lots o' stuff to do tomorrow.

Day 99

I was exhausted today.  I think the mental and emotional strain just finally took their toll.  Nothing exciting to report.  Just a lot of sitting around with Max and early to bed.

Actually, I fell asleep on the couch watching Mythbusters...and was inundated with dreams of weird infomercial products.  Nice.

Day 98

I find it fitting that what I'm about to write occurred  only two days before my 100th day of being 29.

A quick introduction:  The Return of Saturn marks a year of great change and adjustment, or so it's thought.  And when I began this blog I had that in mind the entire time.  That there would be shifts and periods of growth and the gaining of experience and knowledge to help shape my life and my journey.

And I was not wrong.

I am no longer employed at my company.

I am not going to go into details.  This is a private matter and only the relevant parties need any details.  All that needs to be said is that a journey has ended, and a new one begun.

It's a difficult time, but I'm more confident than I ever have been, thanks to what I've learned by going through this and from my improv training, amongst other things.

I will start  fresh.  With new goals and dreams.  And as sad as I am to let go of one of the best experiences of my life to date, and one of my greatest accomplishments, I am excited to see what new experiences are going to come my way.

Although, if you see me, please feel free to give me a hug, a pat on the back, or buy me a drink.  I'm staying positive, but I'm only human, and sometimes I get a little down about the whole thing.

Also, thank goodness, Shakespeare was awesome and hilarious tonight.  And I had a good friend to lean on, which was awesome.

Day 97

Things are still hard.  I won't go into details, but they are.

But, thankfully, there was my Thursday night improv class.  I was so inspired, so motivated, and filled with so much joy and confidence in those 3 hours, that I'm pretty sure I know how to handle whatever happens.

My heart seems to know the right answer.

On another note, I completely schooled some guy friends in Rock Band tonight.  I mean, blew them away.  They were playing Easy in No Fail mode.  I rocked Hard and Expert.  It was amazing.

And just what I needed to boost my confidence that much more.

Day 96

Had somethings to take care of...then I went to lunch at Smith and Wollensky followed by a 4 hour writing marathon at Starbucks.  Then I hit a few shows at iO.  These things all greatly helped me to stay positive and focused.

We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Day 95

Today was spent much more proactively.

I was forced to face myself and the situation, and really look into everything.  To be honest with myself. 

Again, I hung out with Max and his dad in the evening.  Company keeps me from getting down on myself...and from missing positive moments with Max.

Tomorrow, I'm going out to lunch in the city in order to clear my mind and just try to keep myself from getting caught up in any negativity or bad energy.  Afterward, I plan to write more of my novel.  Writing brings me peace.  And I need a little peace right now.

Day 94

Well, shit.

So, I came into work today, feeling even sicker than last night.  No joke, I was considering going to Urgent Care.  I mean, I've had a mild chest irritation for a little while, and today my chest just felt like it was caving in.  I mean, it physically felt like a boulder was pushing down on my chest.

Not to mention the uneasiness and anxiety that came along with it.

I knew what was coming.  I physically and emotionally knew.

And I was entirely right.  As this is a public forum, I don't want to go into details, but it's not the best news..

...outwardly.  However, underneath the craptasticness of it all, I realize that it's happening for a reason.

And once it was all revealed to me, well, the bad energy that had been hovering around me over the weekend and today all went away.

I have a lot to think about and consider over the course of the week.

I went home early from work, and for the next few hours, was a bit of a zombie.  Thankfully, Max's dad watched Max so I could take out some sadness on my rock band drums and just get to a comfort level that allowed me to come over, eat something (for the first time all day) and try and figure this all out and come to terms with it all.

Needless to say, sleep did not come easy.

Day 93

Short entry.  Why?  Today is just weird.  I feel incredibly off.

I know my energy felt odd yesterday, but today?  Today it's just inexplicably, what's the word?  Well, not right.

I don't think I'm coming down with anything, but, you know that feeling you get when you leave the house and think you've forgotten something?  That weird voice or feeling that's telling you something?   Like your intuition is off the charts?  And you can physically feel it?

That's been today.  I'm going to go to bed and meditate heavily.  I think I know what this is stemming from, but we shall see.

Day 92

I could not get off my ass today.  Seriously.  There's something funky with my energy this weekend.

I wanted to go out to the city and catch a few shows, but I just couldn't get motivated enough to get ready in a decent amount of time.

So, instead, I wound up at an Indiana bar in my hometown with my cousin Melissa and a few of our other friends.  It actually ended up being a nice couple of hours.

She even convinced me to take action that's needed for my one-woman show I'm writing.  I'm not going to get into the details, as it's still in its infancy, but I'm super stoked about it.

After that, she got a bit tipsy, while I remained very sober.  No seriously, I was even too lazy to drink properly.  And we started talking about sending random golden items into Cash for Gold.

I know, it doesn't really sound funny now, but at the time it was hilarious.  My favorite?

"Hi, Cash for Gold?  I have a golden shower.  How much can I get for this?"

Yeah, pretty junior high, but even as an adult, preteen humor is sometimes needed...

...and always hilarious.

Day 91

Played some Call of Duty at work today.  We haven't done that in a while.  It felt really good.  (Especially since I realized that I haven't lost my mediocre ability to shoot and hide since the last time I played in, oh, March 2009?)

After work, I headed off to iO for my intern shift.  Shakespeare was on it as usual.  Last term I worked downstairs in the Cabaret, so working upstairs in the Del Close Theater is a fun change of pace.

After my shift, I decided that even through my tiredness, I'd go up for the line games at the Jam.  It was a particularly rowdy crowd, but I carefully picked my moments, and managed to win a few of the audience members over.

I even heard, "Red!  You're the shit!  You hear that?  The redhead is the shit!"

Nothing that I did on stage was monumental.  I have an ability to create pretty good puns, because as a writer, it comes naturally.  I'm not sure I'm exactly proud of this ability.  (I was once informed that puns are considered the lowest form of comedy...)  But in those games, puns are good things.  And beyond that, selling whatever it is you're about to let spill from your lips with complete confidence is the most important part of the game. 

And hopefully, I did just that.

Afterward, two veteran improvisers whose work I really look up to and enjoy came up to me, separately.  One patted me on the shoulder and simply said, "Nice work tonight."  And the other gave me a high five and said, "You really won 'em over tonight.  I think you have a fan club now."

It was definitely a great moment for me on this improv journey I've been taking since January of 2009.  And it's an experience I'm going to keep in my back pocket to remind myself that with confidence, anything is possible.

Day 90

Well, Thursdays are one of my favorite days of the week.  This is mainly due to the fact that I have my iO improv class on Thursday nights.

Of course, we were launching a project at work tonight, so I was running about 20 minutes late to class, but I made it.  I missed the warm ups, but I made it.

I discovered that playing without warming up is EXTREMELY difficult.  Not impossible, but definitely more difficult.

We dealt with matching energy today.  And after class I decided to go on over to the Playground for Open Court.  (10:30pm, $5, The Playground Theater on Halsted.  I encourage you all to check it out.)

Afterwards, Eric and I went to Greektown for a quick bite to eat.  I've discovered I like flaming cheese.  A lot.  Tomorrow is Friday.  Thank goodness for small miracles.

Day 89

There used to be a time in my life when I hated the idea of doing or being surrounded by something embarrassing.

It was called being a teenager.

However, these days, I actually enjoy these moments. 

The only reason I thought of this today was because as I was getting out of my car after work, I completely bit it on the asphalt. 

It had been raining.  And that rain froze.  And thusly, it coated the ground in a moderately thin layer of pure ice.  So, as I placed my foot on the ground while stepping out of the car, I had absolutely no traction.

I basically poured out of my car, onto the ground, after which I proceeded to flail around a bit while desperately trying to stand up.  I was laughing at myself hysterically.  And then I did the typical "look around to make sure no one just saw that display" after which I laughed some more.

And then I actually wished someone had seen it.  Because it was pretty hilarious. 

And all of this made me think:  those moments of pure "holy crap I can't believe that just happened ha ha ha how embarrassing"  are actually pretty wonderful.  They're not things we should try to avoid (unless they cause actual harm, of course), but moments we should embrace...because they become stories.

And stories?  Well, stories are what make life so much more interesting.

Day 88

After I picked Max up from his Nana's and got home, I started to make myself dinner (he'd already eaten) and proceeded to load the dirty dishes from the sink into the dishwasher.

As I rinsed, I heard Max's feet come padding around the corner from the hall.

"Hey Mom," he said in his little elf-like voice.  "What did you always want to be when you grew up when you were little?  Like, always?"

I had to pause for a second.  "Um...let me think," I replied.

I started to list off in my head the occupations I could remember:

A teacher?
An astronaut?
A housewife?
A model?

But when I really got down to it...of all the dreams I wish I had accomplished, I guess it would have been to be an actress.

"Oh, I don't know, " I said.  "An actress?  Maybe?"

Max got an odd look on his face, and sort of lit up.

"Well, then...you did it.  You are an actress."

I was puzzled, and let out a giggle.  "What do you mean?"  I asked, shoving a coffee cup into the top rack.

"You're an actress with improv, Mom.  That counts."

"I guess you're right.  I mean, it's not my career.  I'm not famous or anything...not that that matters but--"

Max cut me off mid sentence.  "You might be someday.  But you are an actress. So you did it."  He proudly traipsed out of the kitchen and back into the living room. 

I rinsed the last dish and placed it in the dishwasher, closing the door.  After a pause, I stood there in the solitude and contentment of realizing that the little boy in the next room -- the one who I want, more than anything, to succeed at whatever his heart desires -- has been paying close enough attention to notice that I've been realizing my own dreams this entire time...no matter what the obstacles might be. 

And I just hope, above all else, that he sees that anything is possible if you're determined to make it so.  I hope that all of my roadblocks and hurdles and the crazy detours that I've taken have cleared some sort of path for his unique journey.

Day 87

MLK Day = A day off of work.

I took most of the morning/afternoon to just relax.  I even took a nap.

Then I headed to Max's dad's house where we ate dinner: lamb roast, peas, and cous cous.  It was actually delicious.  (I couldn't remember if I liked lamb or not.  Turns out, I kind of do.  At least on this occasion, I thought it was pretty darned good.)

After dinner we watched the animated film "9" and I ended up tearing up a little at the end.  I thought it was good--a little weird--but good.

All in all, quite a nice day off.

Next up: shower, p-jams, comfy bed, meditation.

Also, I need to start working out again...starting tomorrow.  Gah.

Day 86

The entire day was spent cleaning.  I mean everything.  Floors, laundry, kitchen, bathrooms, bedrooms, bed linens, EVERYTHING.  (Except, come to think of it, glass and windows...whoops.)

Max's dad took him for the evening.  Because of MLK Day he had the night off as well as Monday.  We'll all be doing something together tomorrow.  A movie I think.

I took a trip to Meijer, dressed like a middle-of-the-night fire victim:  hair pulled up messily, dingy pajama pants, knitted bootie socks, shoes one should not wear with socks (amplified by the fact that my pants were flood-length), no makeup, my black pea coat, and mismatched gloves, hat, and scarf. 

I looked a mess.  What's worse?  I was buying candles and underwear.  I imagine that the people who caught a glimpse of me, and then a glimpse of what was in my shopping basket were saying, "Holy hell.  Is she planning some sort of rendezvous?  And, if so, who in the world would possibly be joining such a hot mess?!"

Or maybe that was just me.  But I needed candles.  And I needed underwear.  And the Lean Cuisines and juice mixes that I picked up on the way out as well.  I tell ya, I don't tend to think about the combination of items I'm purchasing...

...especially not in relation to my current state of dress.

I'm sure one day I'll show up, dressed to the nines, picking up something like motor oil, a jar of pickles, a package of Hot Wheels cars, and tampons.

Day 85

"Oh, Christ."

That pretty much sums up today...in its entirety.  One silly thing after another.  Which ended up culminating into a nice visit from Melissa, including some mimosas and conversation.

Here's what I learned today:

1.) Sometimes, I don't make very rational decisions.  And although I like to tell myself I learn from everything, well...sometimes I don't pay attention to what I've learned.  C'est la vie...

2.) If I'm in a state of confusion with myself, it's really hard to stay focused.  Luckily I've gotten pretty darned good at playing pretend when it comes to my mood during mom-duty.  I've gotten putting on a "everything is wonderful" mask down to a science.  That said, Max and I had some fun laughing and playing board games, even though I was somewhat mopey underneath it all. 

3.) I've realized that my life is a dichotomy.  There's the carefree, fun-loving, exciting side...and there's the more mundane, responsible, yet still happy and fun-loving side.   In short:  There's Tiff (Sundays, Mondays, Tuesdays and every other Saturday) and Tiff-lite (Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and every other Saturday).  I happen to like both sides.  The problem is, it's really hard to get people involved in both versions, either they're friends who like to hang out with Tiff-lite and friends who like to hang out with Tiff.  The latter are far, far more rare. 

Put it this way, on the days when I'm at home, playing Legos with Max and cleaning, or watching TV on my couch while Max plays, well, no one really comes around.  If I want to go to the zoo, or the park, or the museum with Max, it's just me taking him there.  And it gets a little lonely I guess.  I don't have any parent friends, really.  Especially none my age.  It's hard, ya know?  I have a ton of fun with Max.  He is incredible.  And sometimes I guess I just wish that other people in my life could experience that too...because it's a HUGE part of who I am.  And also, Max...is hilarious.

On the days when Max is with his dad, I see my friends, do improv, work extra hours if needed, stay out late, explore, and occasionally, yes, sit alone at home watching movies and enjoy my alone time.  And during these times, people don't mind hanging out with me.  Why would they?  But once I return to the other half of the week, it's as if I don't exist in their worlds anymore.  And maybe that's just me...making it seem that way.  Magnifying something that in reality isn't true.  But once in a while...just once in a while...I would love it if a friend called me and wanted to do something with me AND Max.  I honestly don't know if, in the past 2 years, that's ever happened. 

And it's painful.

4.) It's puzzling to Melissa and I, why women are looked upon as the inferior sex in most cases, even though we both know way more women with their shit together in their mid to late 20's than men.  Interesting.

5.) Doing something the same way but expecting a different outcome is really stupid...but I still do it all the time.

6.) Pants on the ground, pants on the ground...lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground.

Day 84

I feel like the only appropriate thing to write about today is *sigh*.

The 8pm show was completely sold out tonight...which is always good, but hectic.  Then again, I enjoy the rush of trying to keep things under control when it gets to be a little high pressure. Maybe that's weird, but that's just how it is.

Ended up leaving right after my shift to grab some eggs Benedict at the ol' Hollywood Grill with Eric.  There's nothing like late night breakfast food to make me smile.  (Even if fear of a gall bladder attack is looming in the back of my mind.)

But even my gall bladder knows the magic that is eggs Benedict.  Which. Is. Awesome.

There's probably more to tell about my Friday, but, I'll leave you with what's already been written.  I've gotta stay mysterious, right?

Day 83

"Like there's a snake in it!"

That sentence will make sense in a moment...First though, we played reality in Level 3 today, something I've been doing less of in my improvisation because playing characters tends to get me out of my head more quickly.  That's not to say I can't or won't play real, it's just I'm working on letting go and being confident...and putting a character veil on seems to help me do that.

So when it was announced, I got a little anxious.  Not bad anxious...excited anxious.  Like "this is the moment where I can test my confidence in a scene."

I had some hits and misses.  Early on, mostly misses...but the thing was?  I wasn't missing because I wasn't committing.  And in that respect, it was a hit.  I mean, even if I thought what I was doing was boring, I didn't judge myself, I just kept on going, repeating in my head "be confident in EVERYTHING you're doing up here, Tiff."

The moment I realized that I was doing this, the more comfortable I felt to just let go in a scene.

And that's when I made another realization...

...it's hard to retell what happened in an improv scene.  It doesn't sound as interesting or funny as when it's experienced---fresh, in the moment.  So I won't bother you with the details.  This is all you need to know:

My scene partner and I were playing roommates, and we were dealing with a jug of sour milk.  He asked me to watch him open it, this apparently swollen, assumedly stinky bottle of milk.  And he said, "When I open it, it's gonna, it's gonna..." He searched for the right word.

"It's gonna SSSSSSSssssssssssssssssss!"  he exclaimed.

"Hiss!"  I exclaimed back.

"Yeah, it's gonna hiss!" He fumbled with the improv milk jug some more.

That's when I honestly replied, "Like there's a snake in it!"

I didn't say it to be funny.  I didn't say it because I planned it out.  I didn't say it because I was trying to yes and with something off-the-wall.

I said it...
...because had that been a real situation, that's precisely the thing I would have said.

I realized that even when I play real, I'm allowed to be somewhat quirky and ridiculous...because in real-life, well, I am those things. 

And that?  That...was an amazing realization.

Day 82

A little note:
Rereading yesterday's post, I realize it might have come across as less general than it was intended.  I feel the need to explain: The "puppy" was representative of my usual patterns.  In all aspects.  The things I do when I know I should be trying something different...but it's so comfortable and seemingly safe, I end up deciding against scaring myself and stepping out into "something unknown" (also known as "the goldfish").


So, yeah.  In case it wasn't clear.  (Which, as I reread it, I realized it completely wasn't.)

Anyhow...

Today at work, a group of us donated our time at the Greater Chicago Food Depository.  I wasn't sure what to expect, but man, it was really, really awesome.  We repackaged milk and bread, and just had a great time.  It felt really good to help give back.  It actually made me want to do it more...thusly, I will be looking into more volunteer opportunities this year.

I mean, I know sometimes I worry about things.  Little things.  Things that in the grand scheme of...erm...things...are piddly and insignificant.  And although I know that my problems and struggles are valid, I realize that they're really not all that bad for the most part.

Spending that time in the food bank reminded me of how blessed I am, not only to have food on the table, but to have such an amazing team of coworkers, to have the physical strength and capability to write out milk labels and sling heavy cases of milk onto pallets, to have a wonderful family, an amazing son, and old friends and new friends that completely rock my world.

So maybe I did go on a tangent about the Puppy and the Trashbin scenario.  And maybe it was a little premature.  But, I do sometimes feel that way.  The good thing is?  I realize that those moments are fleeting...and they're put in my path to learn from.  And I'll be damned if I don't remember that every single time I experience anything.  That I'm learning something.  I'm growing.

I once heard the story of the saying "This too shall pass" and it's stuck with me for years.

In short:  A king wanted someone to create for him a saying he could look to in good times and bad.  Something amazing, humbling, and inspiring.  Many tried, but nothing seemed to work for this king.  Then one day, a man came to him with a sign reading, "And this too shall pass."  The king looked puzzled, and asked the man how this phrase could possibly amaze, humble, and inspire him through all times.  The man said, "When times are bad, look to this sign to remember that eventually, things will get better.  When times are good, again, look to this sign to remember that in an instant everything can change so be grateful for this moment."

I don't know, I've always loved that saying ever since I heard that story.  Because it is, so true. 

So, regardless of how seemingly awesome or unawesome things might be...I guess I've learned I need to remember that this moment will eventually pass...

...and in its place, something else...another chance to grow and learn.  And I should remain grateful no matter what.

Day 81

So, things have been weird lately.  Like something is completely off.  This tends to happen occasionally. For weeks I'll be riding this crazy high like:  "Woo hoo!  Everything is in place.  I've got my shit together.  Things are fantastic!  The world is beautiful and fun."

And then BAM!...one day I wake up, look around, and my life looks less like an organized bookshelf and more like the kitchen floor after the family dog decided to ransack the trash bin overnight.  Pieces and chunks of garbage I thought I got rid of, just strewn there in my face, sploshed across the cabinets and spewing all over the Pergo.  Won-der-ful. 

What's worse?  You can't really blame the dog.  He doesn't know any better.  You should have remembered the last time this happened (because it's happened many, many times) and sealed up the bin better.  Put it away.  Heck, taken the trash completely outside before bed. 

And it doesn't help that you constantly feed him scraps from the table...knowing it's not exactly right, but giving in because...and let's face it...those eyes?  Those sweet puppy eyes?  They can be so damned deceiving.  It's so easy to forget that behind those eyes there's a feral beast, only out for those table scraps. 

You've set him up.  Made it easy. 

And when you walk into the kitchen and see the mess, you realize that damned dog is nowhere to be found...hiding off somewhere, gnawing on the bone of some leftover chicken...reveling in his accomplishment.  Maybe he's even run away completely.  To a neighbor's house.  Where there's a buffet of new table scraps...

...and a bigger, much more accessible trash bin in the kitchen.

So you clean it up.  You remind yourself not to let this happen again.  And even in your anger, you think about your dog, and his big, sad eyes, and you look out the window a few times.  Rush to the door at the slightest sound.  Check the patio every few minutes. 

And if and when he does come back...drooling, jumping, happy to see you...you know--you know--all that anger and all those promises you made to yourself about the table scraps and the trash bin are going straight down the drain.

And you think to yourself..."Well shit...maybe I should just get a goldfish."

So yeah, that's the metaphor for the past few weeks.  Finding out your dog has decimated your kitchen when you weren't looking, pondering a new choice in pets to try and stop it from happening again.

On a related note, my coworker brought his dog, Beatrix, into work today:

Adorable.

(See?  There I go again...sheesh...)

Day 80

Sometimes my cats annoy me, too...and I just want them to go to sleep.   But this is a solution I hadn't yet considered...

...ah, random Munster Target customer...you made my day with this juxtaposition.

Day 79

I took down all the Christmas decorations.  Well everything but the giant bear and his squirrel sidekick.  I figure, they're more "wintery" than "Christmasy" so they could stay out until like, March.

What the shit?  This blog entry has started out terribly lame.  Forgive.

Really, the greatest things that happened today were:  I got to hang out with Maxwell all day and we discovered that there's a mediterranean place just down the street that delivers.  (I know for you Chicagoans, this is no big deal...but in Indiana?  It's amazing.)  It's called Pita Kabab.

And dare I say it?  Their schwarma is *gasp* better than Aladdin Pita's.  (I know, I know, I feel weird saying that...)  It's more tender, albeit a tad bit on the fattier side, but the flavor is ridiculously awesome.  The hummus, babaganoush, and pitas were about the same...but Aladdin Pita wins in the lentil soup category. 

In short, I now have two favorite mediterranean restaurants in my back yard. And I recommend both of them to anyone venturing out to the region.  You can't really go wrong.  Yum.

Completely unrelated to fun times with my son or delicious mediterranean food, I truly need to start meditating again.  My energies are all out of whack.  It's no good.  I'm overthinking, misinterpreting, being negative (and mildly passive aggressive...I know, I know...).  Ick.  So, I'm on the hunt for where I packed my guided meditation CDs.  I really hope I can find one. 

Day 78

I need to stop having expectations.

About anything.

Ever.

I was hoping to have a fun-filled, chill, Saturday night.  With the holidays over, it was the first Saturday night in almost a month where I wasn't exhausted from holiday activities, or scheduled to work an extra intern shift, or had to be up early.  It was a normal Saturday I could use as I pleased.

I ended up sleeping the day away, and using the next few hours to dye my hair, take a bubble bath, play some Rock Band, and get ready to hit the town.

I should have known better.  I should have sat on the couch in my p-jams, with some champagne, watching Bridget Jones's Diary for the 400th time.

I should have.

Instead, I headed into Chicago, and save for some great shows, what a complete let down.

I knew it was time to leave when someone pointed to the huge blemish that had erupted on my forehead and said, "Hey?  Did you get into a cat fight?  What happened there?!"

Thank you.  So in other words, no...my attempts to cover it up did not work at all then.  Awesome.

I ended up visiting Max's dad and some old friends at the bar he works at.  (Inside, however, and even though it was fun, I was still wishing I had chosen the p-jams, booze, and movie on my couch...)

I hopped into a cab to where my car was parked, it was far too cold to wait for trains or walk the nearly 2 blocks to my car from the station...we're talking like 2 damned degrees cold. 

The cab driver was incredibly nice.  We spent the ride talking about the life of penguins.  How if their eggs touch the ground for as little as a minute, they freeze, and the embryo dies.  How the females leave for two months at a time to find food while the males watch the egg and keep it warm.  How they know each other by sound alone.  How they have to trek 70 miles to get to the water.  And how, if the mother dies while out searching for food, the egg the father worked so hard to protect will hatch, but the baby penguin will starve.  We also talked about the VW Bug he bought for $100 when he first came to America...and how it had no heat.

And all this reminded me that really, even on a night like this...things aren't that bad.

(Although, I'm still going to wallow in my own self-pity for a while...sometimes it's what you need to flush it all out, regroup one's thoughts and start over.)

Day 77

This is written on the inside of the stall door in the women's bathroom in the DCT at iO.  I don't know why I felt the need to capture it on film.

Of course, underneath it says "Marry Me!" Followed by "Someone in Chicago loves me!"  And under that: "Yes. But they're not IN love with you."  This particular stall gives me a complex.  So many mixed messages.

Day 76

Today was my first day of Level 3 at iO.  Loved every minute of it.  My instructor is really, really smart and hilarious.  And my classmates are all super talented.  I can't wait to progress through and just have a lot of fun with scenework. 

Also, ah...I'm thinking too much lately. 

I should stop.

Really.

Of course, it's usually a sign that my intuition is trying to tell me something...and I should listen.  Problem is?  I've got mixed messages.  Bah.  See?  There I go again. 

Ignore me...

...please.

Also:  Fret-rubbing is nice.  (98% of Chicagoans won't get what that means ;)  )

Day 75

After work, I decided to hit the Starbucks on Addison, and sit and write.  I wrote for 2 full hours.  Again, by hand.  Afterwards I stopped by iO to check out Felt and a Harold, but the gall bladder was acting a little funky, so afterwards I headed straight home. 

I also wanted to beat the massive snowstorm that was predicted to hit. 

I got comfy, pkayed a little rock band, and then curled up into bed with The Lovely Bones. 

Sometimes it's nice not to have anything super-exciting to write about...it means I'm still making time to relax...

...which is equally as important as making time to do awesome fun things.

Day 74

My son is a prodigy.

Okay, okay, maybe not, but he did super-impress me this evening.

For Christmas he'd gotten a 500-page children's novel called "The Mysterious Benedict Society."  It literally has smaller print than the book I'm reading.

I was worried the sheer size of it would deter him from ever reading it, so when I tucked him in tonight I suggested I read him the first chapter out loud.  I got about 15 pages in when I realized it was getting late.  When I went to put the book down, he begged me to let him have 15 more minutes to read it.

Considering that he typically falls asleep with a book in his hands, I obliged, figuring that when I came to bed in an hour I'd have to pull the drooled-on manuscript from his sleeping hands.

Not so.  When I got up the stairs, there he was--still awake reading the book. 

"It's midnight, Max!  Bed!"

"I know, but it's SO GOOD!  Just two more minutes."

Again, I obliged, as I still had to get things in order to get myself to bed.  As I pulled back my covers and plugged in my cell phone, he came into my room.

"My arms are getting tired.  Could you just read me a couple more pages?  I promise I'll go to sleep."

I couldn't say no.  I mean, this was a matter of fine literature...at least for a 9-year-old.  And I was proud that he wasn't intimidated by the size of this book.  That he actually enjoyed it so much he couldn't put it down.  That's such an awesome feeling.

He curled up into my bed with me and handed me the book.

"What page?"  I asked.  I don't know what I was expecting...maybe page 25 or 30.  Max flipped through the book.

"This one."  His finger traced down the page.  "I left off right here."

I looked at the page number:  64.  The child had read 50 pages in an hour.  At first I thought maybe he skipped a few pages, but as I read, he began to react to things...things I couldn't react to because I had missed the past 50 pages.  He was laughing at things that to me made no sense, but he had read about something relating to them in the previous pages.  He had actually read those pages.  Became absorbed by them.  Couldn't put the book down.

After a few pages, I closed the book and we talked about it for a few minutes before I turned out the light, rubbed his little arm, and he fell asleep.

As a writer, I couldn't stop thinking about how incredibly happy I was that my little spawn understood the power of a great story. 

Before he had crawled into bed, I had been putting off starting my novel.  But after that moment, after he fell asleep, I turned the light back on, picked up my pen and notebook and actually started writing. 

That child...that child inspires me.  Every single day.

Day 73

Back to the same 'ol same 'ol.  Worked, picked up Max, watched Hoarders together.

Typical Monday.  Nothing of note occured.

Then again, maybe I haven't been looking hard enough.

Well...shit.

Day 72

I made a discovery today:

If I fail to put in my contacts, instead choosing to remain in my eyeglasses all day, I am undeniably super-unproductive.

Then again, maybe it was just the realization that after today the world, and my weeks, return to normal, but I didn't accomplish a single thing I'd hoped to accomplish.  Nothing.

Instead, I just spent the day with Max, lounging around...both of us trying to hang on to every little minute and stretch it out as far as it would go.

But alas, we only got 60 seconds out of each, and now it's time for bed.  Meaning Monday is just around the corner.

It truly was a crazy and amazing past couple weeks though. 

Here's hoping 2010 is as interesting, fun, and brilliant as my 2009.

It's The Year of Creative Endeavors (and Continued Self-Discovery)...

...so I guess, really, it has to be.

Day 71

I got to sleep in today because Max was still asleep at his Nana's when I called to see what time I needed to pick him up.  That was nice.

After I drove back from the city and got him, it was around 2pm.  We basically spent the day lounging around...well I did chores.  It was high-time I caught up on the laundry.

I love laundry day.  Especially since I have a 9-year-old. It's always a treat to see what he's hidden in his pockets each week.  Here were today's treasures:

A pretty nice crop of randomness if you ask me.

Not quite as interesting as the time I found 5 or 6 crusty shrimp tails, but still...

Day 70

New Year's Day.

I pretty much slept for most of the day.  Recooperation was necessary.  I had to work a shift at iO tonight, and for the first Friday in ages, well, I didn't stay for the rest of the Jam.  I actually didn't even play.  I was beat.  It was busy, which is awesome...but after a super late night of NYE festivities, it was pretty brutal.

I ended up crashing at a friend's place.  I was considerably too tired to drive all the way back to Indiana. 

When I got there, he was reading a book he'd gotten for Christmas.  I've been trying to reread The Lovely Bones after 6 years.  I want to refresh before I go see the movie adaptation of the book.

So, for about an hour we both laid there, reading our respective books.  And actually?  It was really nice.  I mean, I'd never done that before.  Just sat there with someone, reading separately but together. 

I've discovered I'm a vocal reader...audibly relating my reactions to what I'm reading to the rest of the room:  laughter, sighs, grunts of disgust, tears.  Everything. 

My friend is not.  And I'm really hoping I didn't annoy him to high heaven with my reactions.  I don't think I did though. 

Eventually, we both fell asleep.  Reading has a way of tugging at your eyelids after a while.  All in all, a wonderful day.