Day 112

So there's been a switch in my parenting schedule.  See, Max's dad now works on Thursday nights.  So we decided to switch Tuesdays and Thursday nights because it really benefits Max and maximizes our time with him.

Of course, I still have Thursday night classes for two weeks, but after those are done, I'll hopefully be switching to Tuesday nights (or possibly a weekend afternoon if need be).

I was a little tired today because I went to Alex's apartment to stay with Max until he got home from work.  Because I don't get home from class until 11:30 or so, and Alex doesn't get home until well after midnight, it makes sense just to sit with Max and let him sleep.  No use waking him up at 11:30 just to drive him to my house these next two weeks.

Anyhow, I'm tangenting.  Had my iO shift tonight.  I worked downstairs for the first time since last term.  It was a nice change of pace actually.  I kind of left in a huff after the bar shut down.

Sometimes I take things personally that I shouldn't take personally.  Especially when the circumstances are a little off-kilter to begin with.   Why I do that, I'll never know.  It's as if I feel like unless I'm perfect, the world around me just dislikes me.  Like I really have to prove myself. 

If you know me, you'll notice how much I apologize for everything---I mean everything.  Things that couldn't possibly be my fault, I apologize for.  As if, by some strange force, my mere existence is the reason for someone else's issues or problems.

Why do I do that?  Why do I assume that if something isn't going right or someone is behaving a certain way, it's automatically because I must have done something wrong?

That's a lot of pressure for one person.  I don't get where in my life I got this silly complex.

In class 2 weeks ago, Jet said something that really resonated and made me think about this---especially in those moments where I put all blame and responsibility on myself or something I must have done.   She said, "I don't care if you're late, but try to be on time.  I mean, if you're coming in late, I'm not going to assume it's because of me or that you don't like me.  But if you're late, and we're in the middle of an exercise, you won't be able to play."

See that?  Right there?  I mean, if you're coming in late, I'm not going to assume it's because of me or that you don't like me.

It was in that moment that I realized that's exactly what I do.  I assume I've done something and the actions or issues are because of a dislike or mistake about me.

That's no good.  But how do you fix that?  Inward reflection?  Blatant disregard of that feeling?  Just stepping away from that part of me that feels responsible for everything and saying, "Woman...no one person needs to feel responsible for everything and everyone on this planet.  So stop it.  Worry about yourself.  And when something is your fault, by golly you'll know it" ?

I don't have the answer yet, but acknowledging this is definitely a step in the right direction.

Still, I think there was a little part of the issue that set me off Friday night that was valid...even if it was cocktail-induced.

I ended up doing karaoke with friends and enjoying eggs Benedict at the Golden Angel at 5am...accompanied by great conversation with a very close friend.