Day, um...a Day of Pondering

So, it's been a whirlwind. 

No...seriously.  A series of ups and downs and and loops and...you get the point.

I think the biggest thing that I'm dealing with, as I inch closer and closer to 30 is that I'm just not sure what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life. 

Here is what I know:

I know that I love to perform.  Improv has changed my life.  It's like...well...it's like let's say you spent your entire life thinking you were an only child and it's always felt like a part of you was missing...and then one day *BAM* your long lost twin knocks on your door and you suddenly feel complete.

In other words, improv is like a piece of my soul that's finally been reunited with the rest of my soul.

I also know that I love to write. 

What I don't know is how I'm supposed to make a living as those two things typically don't pay the bills.

I dunno.  I'll figure it out.

On a positive note, I was thinking about where I was in my life a year ago, and you know what?  I'm actually happier now than I was then.

Even though I'm still struggling with it, I know myself much better than I did then.

This time last year I was pretty stressed out and dreading the summer or at least feared that my summer would be nonexistent...and it kind of was in a sense.  I was incredibly busy and stressed with a project.  I felt like a bad mom because I was so exhausted and mentally drained...so much so that I didn't have the energy to spend the time with my son that I wanted to give him and that he deserved.  I was torn between who I knew I was, and who I needed to be at that time.  And they were conflicting.

Now, although it's not perfect, I'm far less stressed.  I'm enjoying my house, my summer, myself, and most importantly time with my child.  As a matter of fact, today we went to the museum, then to dinner, and then to a short-form show at ComedySportz.  We laughed.  We had a blast.  And for the first time in almost 2 years I realized that the time I was spending with him finally felt like I was spending it with him because, well, I just like to spend time with him.

Sometimes it used to have this tinge of guilt infused with it.  I was there and present and having fun, but there was this cloud hanging over that felt like I needed to spend this time because I was being pulled away and was typically too stressed.  Today I realized that cloud was gone.  That we were spending time and having fun and I didn't feel like there was this part of me apologizing for being so busy and tired all the time.

Instead, we just had fun together...pressing buttons, learning about storms, and trying to find all of the "dead people" in the model train exhibit (you know...the poor miniature figurines that have, over the decades, fallen over and never been re-glued.)  Hilarious.