Day 125

It was my last day of level 3.  So sad, but so exciting at the same time. 

Here are a few things I realized tonight:

1.) I am surrounded by immensely talented people all the time.  And it's a beautiful thing.
2.) I'm stronger than I think.
3.) Mimosas are good day or night.
4.) All I want is a goddamned crab cake right now.
5.) I need to get back to meditation and inner peace and strength.
6.) Being good at your art doesn't mean getting somewhere where you feel you need to get to be considered good.   It comes from the essence of the art.  The starting point.  Becoming undeniable in your own right.  I need to get back to my typewriter and my stage and be okay with the path that I'm on, knowing that my love for the work and my unique talents are enough of a starting point to create and contribute to wonderful things.
7.) I dance like an idiot.
8.) I'm going to miss my level 3 classmates.
9.) Tim and Jet taught me so much in the past 8 weeks that I am a changed person because of it.
10.) Don't. Give. Up.    Ever.

Day 124

Angela and I decided to brave the weather and check out the local watering holes near my new house, just for shits and giggles.

We spent most of the night being ignored by regulars, just shootin' the shit. 

I also came to a realization that I am done with people's bullcrap. 

That saying, "don't make people a priority when they only consider you an option"

Yep...this is my new mantra.

I don't understand how one minute someone can go from being your friend, wanting to hang out regularly, talking for hours about random shit and laughing--to never calling, texting, or saying they want to do something but never coming through or always jetting for something else...all in the course of a couple weeks.

Well, I do understand, but I really hate to believe that my gut feeling is correct in the matter.  Mainly that I've been used or worse, that I'm unlikable...that the person got to know me and realized they didn't really like me as a person.

I guess that could be true.  But cut me some slack.  This past month has been ridiculous. 

Whatever the case, one of two things needs to happen in this situation, because I'm getting annoyed:

1.) Man (or woman) up (I'm trying to be discreet here...), and tell me you don't ever really want to hang out again but just want to remain friends in situations where we see each other.  Outside of that, you want nothing to do with me really.  That's fine.  I get it.  And I'm cool with it.

2.) Act like the friend you claim to be. 

It's really that simple.   Because it's really not fair to string someone along in order to save face.  It doesn't work.  And it's hurtful, because I'm sitting here thinking that either I'm unlikeable, or I was just expendable...even after revealing things about myself that I only reveal to those I trust.

I know, I know, that's a lot to take in.  But I needed to vent. 

And I need to remember this situation as I move forward, so I don't repeat the mistake.  :) 

Day 123

Went to Pioneer Tap with all my girls for karaoke.

I was supposed to head to the city, but the weather was being rather pesky. 

We had a great time though.  Singing, laughing, bitching, and remembering how free we used to be before we started to realize that we're actually going to be 30 before we know it. 

It kind of inspired a spark in all of us, to start doing more things. 

On a whim, we took my Ghost Radar application on my iPhone to the cemetery next to the bar at 3am. 

We're hilarious. 

Day 122

Well, it was a Monday.  Woo freaking hoo.

I cleaned some today, but other than that, I spent a lot of time foolishly wallowing in self doubt. 

I'm blaming it on hormones.  But I feel so stuck in a rut.  Maybe I just need to take some time and regroup. 

Or eat copious amounts of chocolate.

It's the same effect really.

Day 121

Spent the day with Max.  The results of our Valentine's foot experiment are in:

My feet have more bacteria than his.  Gross.

It's likely because I've taken to wearing two pairs of socks at all time.  That's what I'm going with, anyways.

Day 120

I had planned to head out to iO tonight, but the weather and my laziness kept me in.  Plus, Melissa called me and I hadn't seen her in ages.

We ended up at Pioneer Tap, just sitting and talking.  It was a pretty fun night.  And to top it off, an elderly couple was there in Western Wear, square dancing to every song regardless of the genre.

Still, my mind was all over the place.  There are just some things I will never understand.

More specifically, people.  There are people I will never understand...and why they do the things they do when it was so super easy to just be honest and let it be done with and move on.  But no.  No one wants to feel like an asshole I guess.  I don't know. 

Live and learn.  Although at this point, I'm pretty sure, Universe, that I get the message loud and clear.

I'm starting to become cynical.  I don't like that one bit.

Day 119

After my intern shift, I ended up with Jenn and Eric at a diner.  I wanted Eggs Benedict.

Badly.

As soon as I saw it on the menu, that was it.  All I had to do was wait for Jenn and Eric to decide and in moments my mouf would be filled with the sweet ecstasy that is hollandaise.

So you can imagine my disappointment when the waiter informed us they were all out of hollandaise.

Boo.

I ordered a corned beef skillet.  It was not good and was garnished with a whole banana.  Why?

After being dropped off at my car, I was in a pissy mood.  I guess I started thinking about things and they decided to take over my previously jovial mood. 

(But I honestly think that if I'd had hollandaise, all would have remained right with the world...)

Day 118

I love my iO Level 3 class.  Only one more left!  I can't believe it. 

My time with all of my classmates plus Tim and Jet has been AMAZING.  I've been learning so much. 

Improv is such a huge part of my soul.  What did I ever do without it before?

And, more importantly, how can I do MORE of it?

Day 117

I debated going out tonight.  Then, I decided on a bottle of wine and a movie on my couch instead.

I watched 500 Days of Summer, and as much as I adore Zooey Deschanel, I hated this movie.

I also ended up ordering a pizza and devouring it all by myself.  In my brand new yoga pants. 

Great.

Night.

Day 116

I saw my first Reckoning show tonight.  It was their birthday show, which was awesome...I mean in terms of seeing my first Reckoning show and all.

It's not that I haven't wanted to go, but until recently, Tuesday nights were one of my Max nights.  Then his dad's work schedule changed, and it made much more sense to switch Tuesdays and Thursdays so that we could each spend time with him.

I'm babbling.  I know.

What else?  Oh, so...I like to be prepared.  In my purse you'll find the following:

• Hairspray
• Perfume
• Hairbrush
• Make-up kit
• Stamps
• Checks
• My writing notebooks
• Deodorant
• Hair ties
• Lip glosses
• A bra sometimes
• Contact case
• Glasses
• A deck of writer inspiration cards
• Candy
• Altoids
• Handi-wipes
• Kleenex/Napkins
• Errant Legos
• Earrings
• Pens
• Coupons
• An extra pair of comfortable shoes

You get the point.  On that same note, I also tend to keep a condom in my coin purse.  It's not that I plan on using it.  But I'd much rather know it's there than end up in a situation where it's needed and when I got through my purse, all I can manage to wrangle up is the plastic cover from my Kleenex purse-pack.

So, I ended up visiting a friend who was Djing at a bar near iO after the Reckoning show.  This awkward and somewhat inebriated gentleman, came up to my Dj friend and asked for a condom.  After he left, sad-eyed and down trodden, I informed my friend that I, in fact, had one that I had no foreseeable use for.

In other words, I contributed to the safe sex movement...even though it wasn't my own.  Go me.

Ended up watching male figure-skating on the Olympics with another friend after I left the bar.  Good freaking times. 

Even more great was the fact that I got beads...and no boob-showing was involved.  :)  I win.

Day 115

Well, it's President's Day.

Originally, I was hoping that I'd have my tax refund by now and would be able to invest in some living room furniture.

Unfortunately, it's going to take 6 to 8 weeks.  On top of that, I'm unemployed, which means I need to hang on to every bit of money I have until I find a new job.

Until then I'll have to deal with my couch-induced bursitis flare ups.

Went to my parents' house with Max for dinner and game night. 

Drooled over Presidents' Day mattress and furniture sales.

Also, have I mentioned lately how much I love my son?  He is amazing.  He just is.  :)

Day 114

Bah.

Man-baby Cupid ran out of arrows...or at least felt no need to spend one on me.

Although, one friend was nice enough to text me a happy Valentine's Day, and later Max's dad sent out a Happy Valentine's Day text as well.

But who cares really.  I have ice cream.  And I ate ice cream.  And it was delicious.

And besides, I think my Valentine's Day was way cooler than any silly old romantic date.

Max and I spent the afternoon using his science experiment kit. We've got 5 experiments running:

1.) How the gases in yeast work.
2.) Does antibacterial ointment really work?
3.) Does toothpaste kill germs?
4.) Does soap kill germs?

And my favorite...the Pièce de résistance:

5.) Whose toes are the grubbiest?  Mine?  or Maxwell's?

Everyone seems to think that Max will win in quantity, but that whatever might be growing between my toes is far more volitile.

Fair enough.

Day 113

Oh fuck.

Valentine's Day is tomorrow. 

Gah.

I'm not negative about it.  But I can't lie.  There is this silly part of me, that silly girl gene, bubbling up inside me with excitement that maybe...just maybe...a secret admirer will send me some flowers or chocolates, or a singing telegram performed by a grown man sporting a bow and arrow and a diaper. 

I try to ignore that silly girl part.  Really I do.  I know better.  And I'm not trying to be bitter or cynical, but thinking that someone is going to send me a Valentine's Day gesture is akin to me assuming that I'm going to win the lottery without buying a damned ticket.

Does it make me a little sad?  Yes.

Am I up in arms about it?  No.

Will I continue to hope that the rational part of me is wrong and the silly girl part of me is right?  You sure-as-shit bet I will.

Also, Max brought home a Snuggie today.  And as often as I made fun of this product, I gotta say...it's decently great (although I would argue that the fabric is too thin...but still...I enjoy lying on my couch, feeling a bit like a monk.  A very warm monk with total use of my arms.)

P.S.  If you just so happen to be a secret admirer...here's a little hint:  http://www.buzzillions.com/reviews/cost-plus-world-market-peruvian-alpaca-reviews

Although they're not available online anymore...I know there are about 30 of them in stock here:  http://maps.google.com/maps?oe=utf-8&client=firefox-a&rlz=1R1GGGL_en___US359&um=1&ie=UTF-8&q=1623+n.+sheffield+ave.+chicago&fb=1&gl=us&hnear=1623+n.+sheffield+ave.+chicago&cid=0,0,4332304857762510930&ei=csJ6S6H_LcnZnAfWnszMCQ&sa=X&oi=local_result&ct=image&resnum=1&ved=0CAgQnwIwAA

Day 112

So there's been a switch in my parenting schedule.  See, Max's dad now works on Thursday nights.  So we decided to switch Tuesdays and Thursday nights because it really benefits Max and maximizes our time with him.

Of course, I still have Thursday night classes for two weeks, but after those are done, I'll hopefully be switching to Tuesday nights (or possibly a weekend afternoon if need be).

I was a little tired today because I went to Alex's apartment to stay with Max until he got home from work.  Because I don't get home from class until 11:30 or so, and Alex doesn't get home until well after midnight, it makes sense just to sit with Max and let him sleep.  No use waking him up at 11:30 just to drive him to my house these next two weeks.

Anyhow, I'm tangenting.  Had my iO shift tonight.  I worked downstairs for the first time since last term.  It was a nice change of pace actually.  I kind of left in a huff after the bar shut down.

Sometimes I take things personally that I shouldn't take personally.  Especially when the circumstances are a little off-kilter to begin with.   Why I do that, I'll never know.  It's as if I feel like unless I'm perfect, the world around me just dislikes me.  Like I really have to prove myself. 

If you know me, you'll notice how much I apologize for everything---I mean everything.  Things that couldn't possibly be my fault, I apologize for.  As if, by some strange force, my mere existence is the reason for someone else's issues or problems.

Why do I do that?  Why do I assume that if something isn't going right or someone is behaving a certain way, it's automatically because I must have done something wrong?

That's a lot of pressure for one person.  I don't get where in my life I got this silly complex.

In class 2 weeks ago, Jet said something that really resonated and made me think about this---especially in those moments where I put all blame and responsibility on myself or something I must have done.   She said, "I don't care if you're late, but try to be on time.  I mean, if you're coming in late, I'm not going to assume it's because of me or that you don't like me.  But if you're late, and we're in the middle of an exercise, you won't be able to play."

See that?  Right there?  I mean, if you're coming in late, I'm not going to assume it's because of me or that you don't like me.

It was in that moment that I realized that's exactly what I do.  I assume I've done something and the actions or issues are because of a dislike or mistake about me.

That's no good.  But how do you fix that?  Inward reflection?  Blatant disregard of that feeling?  Just stepping away from that part of me that feels responsible for everything and saying, "Woman...no one person needs to feel responsible for everything and everyone on this planet.  So stop it.  Worry about yourself.  And when something is your fault, by golly you'll know it" ?

I don't have the answer yet, but acknowledging this is definitely a step in the right direction.

Still, I think there was a little part of the issue that set me off Friday night that was valid...even if it was cocktail-induced.

I ended up doing karaoke with friends and enjoying eggs Benedict at the Golden Angel at 5am...accompanied by great conversation with a very close friend. 

Day 111

I had my Level 3 iO class tonight.  I really love it.  Tonight we just worked on opening ourselves up, discovering the tactics we use to protect ourselves when we're uncomfortable on stage, and really vibing our scene partners.

It's always such an awakening. 

Things have been so crazy that when it was my turn to really just open up to everything, I'm shocked I didn't cry.  In fact, I ended up laughing.  

I also ended up realizing that when I get uncomfortable, I close my eyes.  I never noticed, but once Jet pointed it out, it couldn't have been more obvious to me.  Honestly, everytime I say or do something that makes me question myself, whether on stage or in real life, I close my eyes.  Usually it's in a laugh, but I close my eyes nonetheless.  It's as though I'm pretending I'm invisible, or trying to reboot or fast forward the moment.  If I can't see it, they can't see me and it's all not happening.

I'm really gonna try to stop doing that.  I mean, I could be missing out on so much that way.  Think of the moments I already have missed.

Day 110

I went to iO tonight to catch a few shows. 

It's odd.  Even though I have more time to go out and see the world, I've been doing far less of it.  Mainly because I'm tethered to my computer all day trying to find new employment.  Unfortunately, as many lines as I've been casting, no one seems to want to bite.

It's frustrating, and a bit demoralizing.  It's hard when you hear that you have talent and someone else could benefit from having you on their team--and then discovering you're that kid in gym class that no one wants to pick.  (Which, by the way, is crazy---because I play a mean game of dodge ball.  At least, I used to...)

I also have this weird thing going on with my right leg.  Muscle weakness or something.  I don't know.

Day 109

Well, I applied for 2 jobs today.

Wow.  Um.  Really that's all that happened.

I picked up Max from his dad's house.  Came home, got him all ready for bed, read him a book, and then did laundry.

Oh, yeah, I also recorded myself singing a slowed down version of Cheap Trick's "I Want You To Want Me."

I've always loved it when people cover fast songs but change them into ballads. (Well, usually.  Sometimes the attempt fails miserably.)  I've also always wanted to do that to "I Want You To Want Me."  Because I don't play an instrument, I had to do it acapella...and it's still a work in progress.  If I ever perfect it, I'll post it.

However, if you play guitar, or piano, or even, I don't know, a mean recorder...and would like to collaborate with me...let me know.  Seriously.  It's the freaking Year of Creative Endeavors.

Day 108

Monday.

More job hunting.  More resume updating.  More, well, of the same. 

The time off is nice, in terms of catching up to myself...however, more than a week is a little scary.  I forget things like what day of the week it is.  Or sometimes I leap up outta the blue, thinking I've forgotten a meeting or something.

So. Weird.

Went over to Max's dad's house for a family dinner.  Followed by American Pickers and Hoarders.  After Max went to bed, his dad and I watched the Will Ferrell George W. Bush special on HBO.  It was okay. 

What impressed me was his ability to hold his face the way he did for so long.  That's a skill I long to possess. 

Day 107

Even though I didn't technically fall asleep until 7am this morning, I was pretty good on energy all day.

Picked up Max, and then got some groceries.  I decided it would be fun to make our own pizza for dinner.  (I also made cream cheese, chili, cheese dip because it's my favorite thing to eat on Super Bowl Sunday since Angela brought it over for the 2003 Super Bowl.)

Also, we like to wear ridiculous sunglasses when we cook.  We're cool like that.

Day 106

Today...

was EPICALLY fun.

Went to see "From Paris with Love" with Ryan at 4:30.  The movie is so bad it's actually brilliant.  Travolta's character is, what I imagined, Danny Zuko years after a messy divorce with Sandy, just going bat shit crazy.

It's a fun ride.  As absurd as the whole plot line is.

Afterwards, we got some coffee.  I had intended to go up to iO for some shows, but honestly?  I was having just as much fun B.S.ing with Ryan.  Talking about furniture.  And my lack of absurd humor.

We ended up playing Rock Band...and by complete random chance, another mutual friend whom I had not seen in ages ended up hanging out with us.  We ordered pizza (chipotle ranch sauce is delicious.  I don't care what anyone thinks.), played Beatles Rock Band, and then finally the best game of Songburst ever to happen.

I was so tired, and so overjoyed at not to be feeling down about myself, that I just took the time to laugh and enjoy the moment.  First time in a long time.  I was drunk on laughter.  My face hurt.  It was amazing.

So, to my Songburst/Rock Band crew tonight:  Thank you so much for the brilliance of today.  Seriously.  You have no idea how much I needed it and how much I appreciate it.  You are seriously the best guys a girl could know.

And your acceptance of my made up song lyrics makes you even that much more awesome in my book.

:D>

Day 105

Ah, Friday.

I've been driving to Wrigleyville the past couple weeks as I no longer have the benefit of a free parking lot near the redline stop. 

At first it was scary.  And I assume that when baseball season starts up, it's going to get scary again.  But I'll figure it out.

Tonight I found free parking.  Amazing.  I've been paying $10 to park in a lot near iO.  Really, in terms of how it used to be...it's totally worth it.  Especially in the winter.  Before I'd have to park, walk to the redline stop, pay about $5 for roundtrip, walk to iO, then walk back to the station and then back to my car...very late at night, in the freezing cold.  The extra $5 is worth it. 

Saw two great Shakespeare performances.  Then I stuck around after my shift and had a much needed drink.  It was a chill night.  I drove home and something hit my brain.  Something pretty profound. 

A realization of sorts.  I'm not sure what to do with it, actually.  On the one hand, it's pretty obvious what I want to do...but on the other hand I'm not sure how to a.) go about it and b.) if it's the right thing.  (That's not the right phrasing...but it's as close as I can think of at the moment.)

We shall see...we shall see.

Day 104

Thank God for improv.

I had my first Level 3 at iO with Jet this evening.  Mind-blowing.  And much needed.

I was able to experience and deal with all of the emotions and situations from the past week in a healthy and healing way.

One of those situations actually sprung up right before class.  I guess I brought it on.  I mean, I asked the question.  But I think what sent me from being understanding to being angry was the nearly 24-hour delay in response.

If I ask a somewhat important or deep question--something that is probably uncomfortable to answer because you know I've picked up on whatever it is--it's not cool to just let it hang there...for hours.

A simple "Yes, we should talk about this but I'm busy blah blah blahing right now." would suffice.  At least I wouldn't be sitting there, in addition to all of the other loads of suck I'm currently bathing in, thinking I've just made an ass of myself yet again.

And maybe I shouldn't have flown off the handle as quickly as I did in this situation, but I haven't exactly been in the best spirits lately (as hard as I've tried).  And the fact that I knew what was going on the entire time, but I couldn't get confirmation just made the whole thing worse.

I don't like to feel used.  I don't like to feel like I'm being misunderstood.  I don't like feeling like someone thinks I'm blatantly unaware of the obvious...ignorance is bliss...true...but I"m intuitive, not ignorant.

So dealing with that situation only a couple hours before class was not ideal.  However, like I said, I got to experience those emotions *in* class.  I initiated a scene with it.  I created a pretend version of it.  Sure it was different than the actual circumstances.  (Actually, it went much more smoothly than the actual circumstances.)  But it was a healthy way to deal and let it go.

Which I semi-successfully did.  We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Also, please check out Breakfast Club: The Totally 80's Musical!  It's super fun.  The cast is super talented. And the director is awesome.  Seriously.  Fun times.

Day 103

Oh for Pete's sake.  Again, I've failed.  How much failure is one girl supposed to take in a week?

My audition wasn't "absurd" enough.  Or more correctly, my humor isn't absurd enough according to them.

My humor can be absurd.  But it's hard to be absurd in some circumstances.  I mean, there are times that blatant absurdity works, and other times when it's not appropriate.  In this case, as a writer, I felt the latter was true for what I was writing about.  And I stand by my decision.

But still, I can't help but feeling like I got naked, and someone just vomited in the garbage can upon seeing me.

But really, there is nothing absurdly funny about a starving country.*  That's delicate territory.
And so is my confidence in my purpose on this planet at the moment.

(*Nothing politically correct or appropriate, that is.)

Day 102

So apparently the company didn't particularly like what they saw the first time around.

But they're giving me another shot.

I did play it a little safe in my writing audition.  Wore the granny panties as opposed to those cute little boy shorts with the tiny hot pink bow and navy blue sailor stripes.

Gonna try it again.  Of course, how in the world am I supposed to not feel self-conscious in this situation?  I'm gonna go balls-out, but I can't help but feel a little more reserved than I did on my first attempt.  If we was in a room with all of the lights on last time, I'm thinking that this time it's more like I've bought a score of candles and am just praying for the perfect arrangement of shadows...

...well that and that the place doesn't completely burn to the ground.

Day 101

So, I got an email yesterday about a copywriting position.  I've been working all day trying to make my audition perfect.  The timing is impeccable.  I mean really.

But I think I'm just a little nervous.

Job hunting is a little like dating after being in a serious relationship for years.  Although you know who you are, and what you have to offer, you have to get back out there and prove your worth all over again.

Sort of like the first time you end up having to get naked in front of someone new. 

You're basically dropping trou for all potential employers, bearing your soul...and your stretchmarks, in the hopes that they like or are at least okay with what they see.  It's scary.

And somewhat chilly.