Day 85

"Oh, Christ."

That pretty much sums up today...in its entirety.  One silly thing after another.  Which ended up culminating into a nice visit from Melissa, including some mimosas and conversation.

Here's what I learned today:

1.) Sometimes, I don't make very rational decisions.  And although I like to tell myself I learn from everything, well...sometimes I don't pay attention to what I've learned.  C'est la vie...

2.) If I'm in a state of confusion with myself, it's really hard to stay focused.  Luckily I've gotten pretty darned good at playing pretend when it comes to my mood during mom-duty.  I've gotten putting on a "everything is wonderful" mask down to a science.  That said, Max and I had some fun laughing and playing board games, even though I was somewhat mopey underneath it all. 

3.) I've realized that my life is a dichotomy.  There's the carefree, fun-loving, exciting side...and there's the more mundane, responsible, yet still happy and fun-loving side.   In short:  There's Tiff (Sundays, Mondays, Tuesdays and every other Saturday) and Tiff-lite (Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and every other Saturday).  I happen to like both sides.  The problem is, it's really hard to get people involved in both versions, either they're friends who like to hang out with Tiff-lite and friends who like to hang out with Tiff.  The latter are far, far more rare. 

Put it this way, on the days when I'm at home, playing Legos with Max and cleaning, or watching TV on my couch while Max plays, well, no one really comes around.  If I want to go to the zoo, or the park, or the museum with Max, it's just me taking him there.  And it gets a little lonely I guess.  I don't have any parent friends, really.  Especially none my age.  It's hard, ya know?  I have a ton of fun with Max.  He is incredible.  And sometimes I guess I just wish that other people in my life could experience that too...because it's a HUGE part of who I am.  And also, Max...is hilarious.

On the days when Max is with his dad, I see my friends, do improv, work extra hours if needed, stay out late, explore, and occasionally, yes, sit alone at home watching movies and enjoy my alone time.  And during these times, people don't mind hanging out with me.  Why would they?  But once I return to the other half of the week, it's as if I don't exist in their worlds anymore.  And maybe that's just me...making it seem that way.  Magnifying something that in reality isn't true.  But once in a while...just once in a while...I would love it if a friend called me and wanted to do something with me AND Max.  I honestly don't know if, in the past 2 years, that's ever happened. 

And it's painful.

4.) It's puzzling to Melissa and I, why women are looked upon as the inferior sex in most cases, even though we both know way more women with their shit together in their mid to late 20's than men.  Interesting.

5.) Doing something the same way but expecting a different outcome is really stupid...but I still do it all the time.

6.) Pants on the ground, pants on the ground...lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground.