Just a day

So, lately I've been noticing how self-reliant I've become over the course of this year. 

It used to be that I had a group of work friends that I hung out with, or friends from my Second City class, or my girls from when I was a teenager (or younger).

But lately, and since I've been living on my own, I've realized that more often I can be found either hanging out completely alone, or hanging out with Max.

That's not to say that I don't have great friends.  Quite the contrary...I know a ton of wonderful people and I see them pretty much weekly.  What I'm missing is some sort of regular friendship-hanging-out-type-situation. 

I don't seem to have that anymore really.  It's partly my own fault for being so on-the-go all the time, I realize.  And I have been hanging out with Kelly more often...only she'll be leaving in August for grad school...so...you know...then what?

I don't really see my old work friends anymore.  I don't know if it's because it's awkward since I'm no longer employed there or what.  I mean, it's understandable but it's like one minute it's there and the next...gone.  (Minus a few random and fun rock band parties with a couple of the guys.)

My friends that I've grown up with all have their own schedules.  Either they work crazy hours, or they're busy with dating, or, like me, sometimes they're just so plain exhausted the couch is the only place they really want to be once they're done with their days.

The friends I've made through this past year and a half of improv are also top notch.  The only problem is, I live in Indiana...so it's hard to just get together randomly.  It's not like I can hop a bus somewhere.  I've got to battle traffic and whatnot.  And, honestly, who wants to come out to my place in Indiana when they live in Chicago?  I can't blame them. 

I spent almost 6 hours hanging out in Chicago yesterday...alone.  After my class, I grabbed dinner at a booth by myself.  Walked around Wrigleyville and window shopped by myself.  And finally ended up back at iO, where I was technically not by myself as I know a lot of the folks there last night, but if you look at the bigger picture, I was by myself.  Someone asked me, "Who'd you come here with, Tiff?"  I answered: "No one."

Around midnight, another friend asked, "You spent this entire time since we got out of class alone in Wrigleyville?"
To which I answered, "Yup."

I'm not complaining.  I'm not trying to throw a pity party.  I'm just pointing out my own personal realization I guess. 

But growing up as an only child, I guess I'm kind of used to the whole thing at this point.  I didn't really have friends growing up.  I was sensitive and quiet and shy.  Other kids really enjoyed taking advantage of this.  I had toys stolen because they knew I wouldn't do anything about it.  I was picked on in class, at lunch, on the playground.  Told that the game some kids were playing was for two people only, so I couldn't join in. 

Once I was even forgotten and left by my entire girl scout troop after a field trip--Scout Leaders included.  We'd gone to a zoo one summer in the 2nd or 3rd grade, and had returned to the school parking lot.  The school was closed for summer, so no one was in the building.  The other girls were picked up, one by one, until there was just me and the troop leader and her kids.  My mom wasn't there yet, but the leader had to go somewhere else.

So what did she do?  She packed her kids in her car and just drove off.  She left me alone in an empty parking lot, 6 or 7years old, to just fend for myself. 

At first I remember blaming myself.  Like, I must be some sort of problem.  Then I started to panic.  I ran to the school doors and knocked, but no one came.  I'd heard stories of kids getting kidnapped, and pretty soon I found myself hiding in one of the big plastic tunnel tubes on the playground, just praying my mom or someone would come. 

A few neighborhood kids came.  They looked at me, and then decided just to play with each other.

Eventually my mom came.  She.  Was.  Pissed.

When it comes to grade school, I do remember one kid...his name was Christopher I think.  He was a redheaded boy with freckles.  I think we were in first or second grade and I remember playing Star Wars with him.  The painted hopscotch thingy on the pavement was our ship. 

I don't remember anything else about him.  Heck, I don't remember him in class or at any moment before or after that one moment on the playground.  I just remember thinking he was really nice for playing with me even though no one else wanted to...and even though I'd never seen Star Wars.

It was just that one time...at least as far as I can remember...



As the years went on, I did make a few best friends, but for some reason a new girl would come along and all of a sudden I was out of the picture.  I was an easy target.  If you picked on Tiff, she'd cry.  Which, to grade school kids is hilarious.  And so, it happened often.

When I got older, things seemed to change a bit.  In high school I had a pretty great gaggle of friends, as a matter of fact I'm still very best friends with my first friend from 5th grade, when I changed schools.

Unfortunately, we're always both so busy we haven't been able to see each other since last July.

I don't know, this year I'm starting to feel like that solitary little girl again.  Only now, thank goodness, I'm not shy and easily picked on.  I'm just...super busy?  And geographically undesirable?  Maybe? 

Day, um...a Day of Pondering

So, it's been a whirlwind. 

No...seriously.  A series of ups and downs and and loops and...you get the point.

I think the biggest thing that I'm dealing with, as I inch closer and closer to 30 is that I'm just not sure what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life. 

Here is what I know:

I know that I love to perform.  Improv has changed my life.  It's like...well...it's like let's say you spent your entire life thinking you were an only child and it's always felt like a part of you was missing...and then one day *BAM* your long lost twin knocks on your door and you suddenly feel complete.

In other words, improv is like a piece of my soul that's finally been reunited with the rest of my soul.

I also know that I love to write. 

What I don't know is how I'm supposed to make a living as those two things typically don't pay the bills.

I dunno.  I'll figure it out.

On a positive note, I was thinking about where I was in my life a year ago, and you know what?  I'm actually happier now than I was then.

Even though I'm still struggling with it, I know myself much better than I did then.

This time last year I was pretty stressed out and dreading the summer or at least feared that my summer would be nonexistent...and it kind of was in a sense.  I was incredibly busy and stressed with a project.  I felt like a bad mom because I was so exhausted and mentally drained...so much so that I didn't have the energy to spend the time with my son that I wanted to give him and that he deserved.  I was torn between who I knew I was, and who I needed to be at that time.  And they were conflicting.

Now, although it's not perfect, I'm far less stressed.  I'm enjoying my house, my summer, myself, and most importantly time with my child.  As a matter of fact, today we went to the museum, then to dinner, and then to a short-form show at ComedySportz.  We laughed.  We had a blast.  And for the first time in almost 2 years I realized that the time I was spending with him finally felt like I was spending it with him because, well, I just like to spend time with him.

Sometimes it used to have this tinge of guilt infused with it.  I was there and present and having fun, but there was this cloud hanging over that felt like I needed to spend this time because I was being pulled away and was typically too stressed.  Today I realized that cloud was gone.  That we were spending time and having fun and I didn't feel like there was this part of me apologizing for being so busy and tired all the time.

Instead, we just had fun together...pressing buttons, learning about storms, and trying to find all of the "dead people" in the model train exhibit (you know...the poor miniature figurines that have, over the decades, fallen over and never been re-glued.)  Hilarious.