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The End

So, this blog didn't go as planned.  29 is coming to an end and well, there's no way to update all the months I've missed.


Don't worry.  I have a plan.  Stay tuned.

Just a day

So, lately I've been noticing how self-reliant I've become over the course of this year. 

It used to be that I had a group of work friends that I hung out with, or friends from my Second City class, or my girls from when I was a teenager (or younger).

But lately, and since I've been living on my own, I've realized that more often I can be found either hanging out completely alone, or hanging out with Max.

That's not to say that I don't have great friends.  Quite the contrary...I know a ton of wonderful people and I see them pretty much weekly.  What I'm missing is some sort of regular friendship-hanging-out-type-situation. 

I don't seem to have that anymore really.  It's partly my own fault for being so on-the-go all the time, I realize.  And I have been hanging out with Kelly more often...only she'll be leaving in August for grad school...so...you know...then what?

I don't really see my old work friends anymore.  I don't know if it's because it's awkward since I'm no longer employed there or what.  I mean, it's understandable but it's like one minute it's there and the next...gone.  (Minus a few random and fun rock band parties with a couple of the guys.)

My friends that I've grown up with all have their own schedules.  Either they work crazy hours, or they're busy with dating, or, like me, sometimes they're just so plain exhausted the couch is the only place they really want to be once they're done with their days.

The friends I've made through this past year and a half of improv are also top notch.  The only problem is, I live in Indiana...so it's hard to just get together randomly.  It's not like I can hop a bus somewhere.  I've got to battle traffic and whatnot.  And, honestly, who wants to come out to my place in Indiana when they live in Chicago?  I can't blame them. 

I spent almost 6 hours hanging out in Chicago yesterday...alone.  After my class, I grabbed dinner at a booth by myself.  Walked around Wrigleyville and window shopped by myself.  And finally ended up back at iO, where I was technically not by myself as I know a lot of the folks there last night, but if you look at the bigger picture, I was by myself.  Someone asked me, "Who'd you come here with, Tiff?"  I answered: "No one."

Around midnight, another friend asked, "You spent this entire time since we got out of class alone in Wrigleyville?"
To which I answered, "Yup."

I'm not complaining.  I'm not trying to throw a pity party.  I'm just pointing out my own personal realization I guess. 

But growing up as an only child, I guess I'm kind of used to the whole thing at this point.  I didn't really have friends growing up.  I was sensitive and quiet and shy.  Other kids really enjoyed taking advantage of this.  I had toys stolen because they knew I wouldn't do anything about it.  I was picked on in class, at lunch, on the playground.  Told that the game some kids were playing was for two people only, so I couldn't join in. 

Once I was even forgotten and left by my entire girl scout troop after a field trip--Scout Leaders included.  We'd gone to a zoo one summer in the 2nd or 3rd grade, and had returned to the school parking lot.  The school was closed for summer, so no one was in the building.  The other girls were picked up, one by one, until there was just me and the troop leader and her kids.  My mom wasn't there yet, but the leader had to go somewhere else.

So what did she do?  She packed her kids in her car and just drove off.  She left me alone in an empty parking lot, 6 or 7years old, to just fend for myself. 

At first I remember blaming myself.  Like, I must be some sort of problem.  Then I started to panic.  I ran to the school doors and knocked, but no one came.  I'd heard stories of kids getting kidnapped, and pretty soon I found myself hiding in one of the big plastic tunnel tubes on the playground, just praying my mom or someone would come. 

A few neighborhood kids came.  They looked at me, and then decided just to play with each other.

Eventually my mom came.  She.  Was.  Pissed.

When it comes to grade school, I do remember one kid...his name was Christopher I think.  He was a redheaded boy with freckles.  I think we were in first or second grade and I remember playing Star Wars with him.  The painted hopscotch thingy on the pavement was our ship. 

I don't remember anything else about him.  Heck, I don't remember him in class or at any moment before or after that one moment on the playground.  I just remember thinking he was really nice for playing with me even though no one else wanted to...and even though I'd never seen Star Wars.

It was just that one time...at least as far as I can remember...



As the years went on, I did make a few best friends, but for some reason a new girl would come along and all of a sudden I was out of the picture.  I was an easy target.  If you picked on Tiff, she'd cry.  Which, to grade school kids is hilarious.  And so, it happened often.

When I got older, things seemed to change a bit.  In high school I had a pretty great gaggle of friends, as a matter of fact I'm still very best friends with my first friend from 5th grade, when I changed schools.

Unfortunately, we're always both so busy we haven't been able to see each other since last July.

I don't know, this year I'm starting to feel like that solitary little girl again.  Only now, thank goodness, I'm not shy and easily picked on.  I'm just...super busy?  And geographically undesirable?  Maybe? 

Day, um...a Day of Pondering

So, it's been a whirlwind. 

No...seriously.  A series of ups and downs and and loops and...you get the point.

I think the biggest thing that I'm dealing with, as I inch closer and closer to 30 is that I'm just not sure what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life. 

Here is what I know:

I know that I love to perform.  Improv has changed my life.  It's like...well...it's like let's say you spent your entire life thinking you were an only child and it's always felt like a part of you was missing...and then one day *BAM* your long lost twin knocks on your door and you suddenly feel complete.

In other words, improv is like a piece of my soul that's finally been reunited with the rest of my soul.

I also know that I love to write. 

What I don't know is how I'm supposed to make a living as those two things typically don't pay the bills.

I dunno.  I'll figure it out.

On a positive note, I was thinking about where I was in my life a year ago, and you know what?  I'm actually happier now than I was then.

Even though I'm still struggling with it, I know myself much better than I did then.

This time last year I was pretty stressed out and dreading the summer or at least feared that my summer would be nonexistent...and it kind of was in a sense.  I was incredibly busy and stressed with a project.  I felt like a bad mom because I was so exhausted and mentally drained...so much so that I didn't have the energy to spend the time with my son that I wanted to give him and that he deserved.  I was torn between who I knew I was, and who I needed to be at that time.  And they were conflicting.

Now, although it's not perfect, I'm far less stressed.  I'm enjoying my house, my summer, myself, and most importantly time with my child.  As a matter of fact, today we went to the museum, then to dinner, and then to a short-form show at ComedySportz.  We laughed.  We had a blast.  And for the first time in almost 2 years I realized that the time I was spending with him finally felt like I was spending it with him because, well, I just like to spend time with him.

Sometimes it used to have this tinge of guilt infused with it.  I was there and present and having fun, but there was this cloud hanging over that felt like I needed to spend this time because I was being pulled away and was typically too stressed.  Today I realized that cloud was gone.  That we were spending time and having fun and I didn't feel like there was this part of me apologizing for being so busy and tired all the time.

Instead, we just had fun together...pressing buttons, learning about storms, and trying to find all of the "dead people" in the model train exhibit (you know...the poor miniature figurines that have, over the decades, fallen over and never been re-glued.)  Hilarious.

Day ???

So again, I've fallen behind.  Why?  Because so many wonderful things are happening!

I'm writing again.  That's right.  I'm working on two different stories.  Not sure if they're novels or short stories, but they're alive and growing, and I'm really excited about it.

Also, this past weekend were the auditions for the Playground's Incubator program.  Long story short:  I made the newest Incubator team!


I can't even begin to tell you how excited, happy, and humbled I am about this.  There was so much talent between the first audition and the callbacks.  To have been chosen from such a group has really made me appreciate all the hard work and respect we improvisers have for this fun and amazing work we do. 

My mindset during the whole experience was to stay away from any form of judgment first of all.  When I say this, I mainly mean judgment of myself.  I used to do this a lot before, but I've been working on this in all facets of my life, and thankfully, I let it go a while back and it stayed away during the audition.  This freed me up to do the next thing I made sure to do:  just have a shit ton of fun. 

I wanted to play and have a great time.  I wanted to discover things and play with new people.  I wanted to have a positive experience and just let go.  So I did.  I didn't beat myself up for anything, even if after a scene or montage I thought about what I could have done better.  That's never going to go away.  But what I realized is that I just had to be present, in the moment, and play to the best of my ability while having the most fun I could possibly have.

Which isn't hard to do, because improv is probably the most fun (next to my moments with my son) I ever have.

Again, I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am that I get to be a part of this new journey and experience and I can't wait to work with the other nine very talented improvisers who were also chosen.  But honestly, everyone I got to work with during the auditions was so super cool and talented, there isn't a single one I wouldn't play with. 

Chicago is an amazing place, with amazing improv talent.  And I am blessed to be a part of it.

*Happy Dance!*

Day 197

I love Saturdays.  I'm taking my Level 4B on Saturdays and so far, the first two classes have been incredible.  Today I played a sheep, some sort of migraine bacteria (hahaha), a disgusting yoga instructor, a child in a swimming pool, a fish in a Petco fish tank, and so many other wonderful characters...surrounded by the wonderful characters my classmates brought. 

I'm so honest when I say that improv has changed my life.  It's not only that I love it...
...it's a part of me.

Day 196

I interned tonight.  Unfortunately I was not only too tired to Jam it up at the All-Star Celebrity Jam for Charity hosted by 3033, but I let my fear get a hold of me.

Yup.  I still get nervous, especially in a Jam situation.  I guess this will always be true, I mean the fear part.  What's going to change is allowing that fear to win.  From now on, I'm going to follow the fear...and whether I succeed or fail in my performance (or my writing...there's some fear there too), it won't matter. 

I'm going to do it because I was put here to do it.  And it's far worse to deny that and miss opportunities than to save face by not trying and therefore not failing.  That's really a failure in itself.  A failure that you can't learn from, other than reminding yourself that not doing anything at all is far worse than giving it a shot, come what may.

This upcoming Friday, I'm definitely going to try to play an actual game (provided there's time and I'm not super exhausted.)  But if it appears that I'm just afraid to get up there, then I'm going to hop on that stage as soon as is humanly possible.  

I love performing.  And I don't want a silly fear to ever prevent me from doing so.  Ever.

Day 195

I am not a violent person.

As a matter of fact, many people have informed me that I'm probably "too nice."

However, when it comes to my kid...I can turn Hulk in an instant.  Well, sort of.  I mean, I do have self-control.  But that doesn't stop the initial surge of fiery adrenaline pumping through my veins when I'm told some kid went bat-shit crazy and tried to punch my son and nearly hit him with a plastic baseball bat---over a swing.

Luckily everything is fine now, but seriously...nothing hurts more that that.  Not a bad breakup, not failing a major final, not losing your job, not even a gallbladder attack (which I will argue is worse than labor, being that I've experienced both.) 

Parenthood isn't easy, but it's worth it. 

Day 194

Saw Cesar's last "Felt" performance tonight, followed by Tj and Dave, impromptu karaoke at Holiday Club, and closing down Nick's. 

It was a super fun night, which even included an old photo booth.

I really love my friends.  And I'm going to miss the one's who are leaving...but I know they'll do great!

Day 193

Max turned 10 today.

First of all, I can't believe a decade passed so quickly.  It seems like just yesterday I was at the maternity store trying to find the most stylish pair of jeans containing an elastic front belly panel.  (Actually, I found 2 pairs, which I saved thinking there would be another baby at some point.  That idea is still up in the air.   Really high up in the air.  Still, the jeans are in a box in my parents' garage.)

Second of all, it's amazing to me to think that I've been a parent for 1/3rd of my life.  Let's put this into perspective for a moment.  I spent 1/3rd as a young child, 1/3rd as an adolescent, and this past third as a parent.  So, in addition to trying to figure out my own adult life, I was also sustaining a completely separate human life. 

That's pretty huge, no?

And amazingly?  He's turned out really great. 

I couldn't be more proud of him and who he is.

Day 192

I applied for a couple jobs today.   Fingers crossed!  That about sums this Monday up. 

So interesting, I know.

Day 126 - 191 OR "What Happened to March and April?!"

So, I blew it.  I managed to get so far behind that there's no way to go back and rewrite all of the blog posts for March AND April.

But you know what?  It's cool.  Instead, I'll just continue fresh and just jot down a few of the high and low points for the past 60 some odd days:

• I finished Level 4 at iO, which was an amazing experience.
• I'm still unemployed. (But looking!)
• I have a Life/Wellness Coach and it's been amazing.
• I auditioned for a show and didn't make it, however, I did really well for my first real audition.  Go me
• I'm still a redhead.
• I haven't gained or lost any weight.  This is fantastic, as it's the longest I've maintained my weight in years.  (Although, with bikini season on the horizon, I'd like to tone up just a smidge.)
• I'm still addicted to coffee.  Probably more now than ever.
• There are always plums in my house these days.  So delicious.
• I bought my first lawnmower.  And have now become that yard freak constantly wanting to maintain the short, fresh mowed lawn.
• I will not mow one of my neighbors' yards because they haven't even introduced themselves yet, and it's not that I'm mean, but gas is expensive and I can't let them believe that it's not their responsibility to take care of their part of the property.  (Unless they argue that it's actually MY property, in which case, commence measuring for the deck and or pool...or at the very least a putting green for Max.)
• I'm getting better at cooking.  No really.  
• I realize a little more everyday how much I love life with a toaster oven.
• I have actual living room furniture now.
• I tried to weed my garden.  All I know is that the brown stuff is dead stuff.  I can't differentiate between good green things and bad green things.
• One of my friends recently told me that she missed the Tiff who openly embraced her awkwardness.  I do too, actually.  So, embrace it again I will.  I am often pretty awkward and I'm just fine with that these days.  

From here on out, it's a fresh start to the blog.  So please, come back often.  Maybe even daily.

Okay...weekly is probably a better option.

And hey, here's a file from something I actually heard while walking in the vicinity of Wrigleyville this morning: Jogger to his jogging partner: "You won't believe how many wind farts there are."

True story. 

(And actually, I do believe it, sir.  But thanks for the heads up.)

Day 125

It was my last day of level 3.  So sad, but so exciting at the same time. 

Here are a few things I realized tonight:

1.) I am surrounded by immensely talented people all the time.  And it's a beautiful thing.
2.) I'm stronger than I think.
3.) Mimosas are good day or night.
4.) All I want is a goddamned crab cake right now.
5.) I need to get back to meditation and inner peace and strength.
6.) Being good at your art doesn't mean getting somewhere where you feel you need to get to be considered good.   It comes from the essence of the art.  The starting point.  Becoming undeniable in your own right.  I need to get back to my typewriter and my stage and be okay with the path that I'm on, knowing that my love for the work and my unique talents are enough of a starting point to create and contribute to wonderful things.
7.) I dance like an idiot.
8.) I'm going to miss my level 3 classmates.
9.) Tim and Jet taught me so much in the past 8 weeks that I am a changed person because of it.
10.) Don't. Give. Up.    Ever.

Day 124

Angela and I decided to brave the weather and check out the local watering holes near my new house, just for shits and giggles.

We spent most of the night being ignored by regulars, just shootin' the shit. 

I also came to a realization that I am done with people's bullcrap. 

That saying, "don't make people a priority when they only consider you an option"

Yep...this is my new mantra.

I don't understand how one minute someone can go from being your friend, wanting to hang out regularly, talking for hours about random shit and laughing--to never calling, texting, or saying they want to do something but never coming through or always jetting for something else...all in the course of a couple weeks.

Well, I do understand, but I really hate to believe that my gut feeling is correct in the matter.  Mainly that I've been used or worse, that I'm unlikable...that the person got to know me and realized they didn't really like me as a person.

I guess that could be true.  But cut me some slack.  This past month has been ridiculous. 

Whatever the case, one of two things needs to happen in this situation, because I'm getting annoyed:

1.) Man (or woman) up (I'm trying to be discreet here...), and tell me you don't ever really want to hang out again but just want to remain friends in situations where we see each other.  Outside of that, you want nothing to do with me really.  That's fine.  I get it.  And I'm cool with it.

2.) Act like the friend you claim to be. 

It's really that simple.   Because it's really not fair to string someone along in order to save face.  It doesn't work.  And it's hurtful, because I'm sitting here thinking that either I'm unlikeable, or I was just expendable...even after revealing things about myself that I only reveal to those I trust.

I know, I know, that's a lot to take in.  But I needed to vent. 

And I need to remember this situation as I move forward, so I don't repeat the mistake.  :) 

Day 123

Went to Pioneer Tap with all my girls for karaoke.

I was supposed to head to the city, but the weather was being rather pesky. 

We had a great time though.  Singing, laughing, bitching, and remembering how free we used to be before we started to realize that we're actually going to be 30 before we know it. 

It kind of inspired a spark in all of us, to start doing more things. 

On a whim, we took my Ghost Radar application on my iPhone to the cemetery next to the bar at 3am. 

We're hilarious. 

Day 122

Well, it was a Monday.  Woo freaking hoo.

I cleaned some today, but other than that, I spent a lot of time foolishly wallowing in self doubt. 

I'm blaming it on hormones.  But I feel so stuck in a rut.  Maybe I just need to take some time and regroup. 

Or eat copious amounts of chocolate.

It's the same effect really.

Day 121

Spent the day with Max.  The results of our Valentine's foot experiment are in:

My feet have more bacteria than his.  Gross.

It's likely because I've taken to wearing two pairs of socks at all time.  That's what I'm going with, anyways.

Day 120

I had planned to head out to iO tonight, but the weather and my laziness kept me in.  Plus, Melissa called me and I hadn't seen her in ages.

We ended up at Pioneer Tap, just sitting and talking.  It was a pretty fun night.  And to top it off, an elderly couple was there in Western Wear, square dancing to every song regardless of the genre.

Still, my mind was all over the place.  There are just some things I will never understand.

More specifically, people.  There are people I will never understand...and why they do the things they do when it was so super easy to just be honest and let it be done with and move on.  But no.  No one wants to feel like an asshole I guess.  I don't know. 

Live and learn.  Although at this point, I'm pretty sure, Universe, that I get the message loud and clear.

I'm starting to become cynical.  I don't like that one bit.

Day 119

After my intern shift, I ended up with Jenn and Eric at a diner.  I wanted Eggs Benedict.

Badly.

As soon as I saw it on the menu, that was it.  All I had to do was wait for Jenn and Eric to decide and in moments my mouf would be filled with the sweet ecstasy that is hollandaise.

So you can imagine my disappointment when the waiter informed us they were all out of hollandaise.

Boo.

I ordered a corned beef skillet.  It was not good and was garnished with a whole banana.  Why?

After being dropped off at my car, I was in a pissy mood.  I guess I started thinking about things and they decided to take over my previously jovial mood. 

(But I honestly think that if I'd had hollandaise, all would have remained right with the world...)

Day 118

I love my iO Level 3 class.  Only one more left!  I can't believe it. 

My time with all of my classmates plus Tim and Jet has been AMAZING.  I've been learning so much. 

Improv is such a huge part of my soul.  What did I ever do without it before?

And, more importantly, how can I do MORE of it?