This is where I'm writing now: (In other words, the new plan I was talking about!)
byebyetwenties.blogspot.com
See ya there!
Friday, November 19, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
The End
So, this blog didn't go as planned. 29 is coming to an end and well, there's no way to update all the months I've missed.
Don't worry. I have a plan. Stay tuned.
Don't worry. I have a plan. Stay tuned.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Just a day
So, lately I've been noticing how self-reliant I've become over the course of this year.
It used to be that I had a group of work friends that I hung out with, or friends from my Second City class, or my girls from when I was a teenager (or younger).
But lately, and since I've been living on my own, I've realized that more often I can be found either hanging out completely alone, or hanging out with Max.
That's not to say that I don't have great friends. Quite the contrary...I know a ton of wonderful people and I see them pretty much weekly. What I'm missing is some sort of regular friendship-hanging-out-type-situation.
I don't seem to have that anymore really. It's partly my own fault for being so on-the-go all the time, I realize. And I have been hanging out with Kelly more often...only she'll be leaving in August for grad school...so...you know...then what?
I don't really see my old work friends anymore. I don't know if it's because it's awkward since I'm no longer employed there or what. I mean, it's understandable but it's like one minute it's there and the next...gone. (Minus a few random and fun rock band parties with a couple of the guys.)
My friends that I've grown up with all have their own schedules. Either they work crazy hours, or they're busy with dating, or, like me, sometimes they're just so plain exhausted the couch is the only place they really want to be once they're done with their days.
The friends I've made through this past year and a half of improv are also top notch. The only problem is, I live in Indiana...so it's hard to just get together randomly. It's not like I can hop a bus somewhere. I've got to battle traffic and whatnot. And, honestly, who wants to come out to my place in Indiana when they live in Chicago? I can't blame them.
I spent almost 6 hours hanging out in Chicago yesterday...alone. After my class, I grabbed dinner at a booth by myself. Walked around Wrigleyville and window shopped by myself. And finally ended up back at iO, where I was technically not by myself as I know a lot of the folks there last night, but if you look at the bigger picture, I was by myself. Someone asked me, "Who'd you come here with, Tiff?" I answered: "No one."
Around midnight, another friend asked, "You spent this entire time since we got out of class alone in Wrigleyville?"
To which I answered, "Yup."
I'm not complaining. I'm not trying to throw a pity party. I'm just pointing out my own personal realization I guess.
But growing up as an only child, I guess I'm kind of used to the whole thing at this point. I didn't really have friends growing up. I was sensitive and quiet and shy. Other kids really enjoyed taking advantage of this. I had toys stolen because they knew I wouldn't do anything about it. I was picked on in class, at lunch, on the playground. Told that the game some kids were playing was for two people only, so I couldn't join in.
Once I was even forgotten and left by my entire girl scout troop after a field trip--Scout Leaders included. We'd gone to a zoo one summer in the 2nd or 3rd grade, and had returned to the school parking lot. The school was closed for summer, so no one was in the building. The other girls were picked up, one by one, until there was just me and the troop leader and her kids. My mom wasn't there yet, but the leader had to go somewhere else.
So what did she do? She packed her kids in her car and just drove off. She left me alone in an empty parking lot, 6 or 7years old, to just fend for myself.
At first I remember blaming myself. Like, I must be some sort of problem. Then I started to panic. I ran to the school doors and knocked, but no one came. I'd heard stories of kids getting kidnapped, and pretty soon I found myself hiding in one of the big plastic tunnel tubes on the playground, just praying my mom or someone would come.
A few neighborhood kids came. They looked at me, and then decided just to play with each other.
Eventually my mom came. She. Was. Pissed.
When it comes to grade school, I do remember one kid...his name was Christopher I think. He was a redheaded boy with freckles. I think we were in first or second grade and I remember playing Star Wars with him. The painted hopscotch thingy on the pavement was our ship.
I don't remember anything else about him. Heck, I don't remember him in class or at any moment before or after that one moment on the playground. I just remember thinking he was really nice for playing with me even though no one else wanted to...and even though I'd never seen Star Wars.
It was just that one time...at least as far as I can remember...
As the years went on, I did make a few best friends, but for some reason a new girl would come along and all of a sudden I was out of the picture. I was an easy target. If you picked on Tiff, she'd cry. Which, to grade school kids is hilarious. And so, it happened often.
When I got older, things seemed to change a bit. In high school I had a pretty great gaggle of friends, as a matter of fact I'm still very best friends with my first friend from 5th grade, when I changed schools.
Unfortunately, we're always both so busy we haven't been able to see each other since last July.
I don't know, this year I'm starting to feel like that solitary little girl again. Only now, thank goodness, I'm not shy and easily picked on. I'm just...super busy? And geographically undesirable? Maybe?
It used to be that I had a group of work friends that I hung out with, or friends from my Second City class, or my girls from when I was a teenager (or younger).
But lately, and since I've been living on my own, I've realized that more often I can be found either hanging out completely alone, or hanging out with Max.
That's not to say that I don't have great friends. Quite the contrary...I know a ton of wonderful people and I see them pretty much weekly. What I'm missing is some sort of regular friendship-hanging-out-type-situation.
I don't seem to have that anymore really. It's partly my own fault for being so on-the-go all the time, I realize. And I have been hanging out with Kelly more often...only she'll be leaving in August for grad school...so...you know...then what?
I don't really see my old work friends anymore. I don't know if it's because it's awkward since I'm no longer employed there or what. I mean, it's understandable but it's like one minute it's there and the next...gone. (Minus a few random and fun rock band parties with a couple of the guys.)
My friends that I've grown up with all have their own schedules. Either they work crazy hours, or they're busy with dating, or, like me, sometimes they're just so plain exhausted the couch is the only place they really want to be once they're done with their days.
The friends I've made through this past year and a half of improv are also top notch. The only problem is, I live in Indiana...so it's hard to just get together randomly. It's not like I can hop a bus somewhere. I've got to battle traffic and whatnot. And, honestly, who wants to come out to my place in Indiana when they live in Chicago? I can't blame them.
I spent almost 6 hours hanging out in Chicago yesterday...alone. After my class, I grabbed dinner at a booth by myself. Walked around Wrigleyville and window shopped by myself. And finally ended up back at iO, where I was technically not by myself as I know a lot of the folks there last night, but if you look at the bigger picture, I was by myself. Someone asked me, "Who'd you come here with, Tiff?" I answered: "No one."
Around midnight, another friend asked, "You spent this entire time since we got out of class alone in Wrigleyville?"
To which I answered, "Yup."
I'm not complaining. I'm not trying to throw a pity party. I'm just pointing out my own personal realization I guess.
But growing up as an only child, I guess I'm kind of used to the whole thing at this point. I didn't really have friends growing up. I was sensitive and quiet and shy. Other kids really enjoyed taking advantage of this. I had toys stolen because they knew I wouldn't do anything about it. I was picked on in class, at lunch, on the playground. Told that the game some kids were playing was for two people only, so I couldn't join in.
Once I was even forgotten and left by my entire girl scout troop after a field trip--Scout Leaders included. We'd gone to a zoo one summer in the 2nd or 3rd grade, and had returned to the school parking lot. The school was closed for summer, so no one was in the building. The other girls were picked up, one by one, until there was just me and the troop leader and her kids. My mom wasn't there yet, but the leader had to go somewhere else.
So what did she do? She packed her kids in her car and just drove off. She left me alone in an empty parking lot, 6 or 7years old, to just fend for myself.
At first I remember blaming myself. Like, I must be some sort of problem. Then I started to panic. I ran to the school doors and knocked, but no one came. I'd heard stories of kids getting kidnapped, and pretty soon I found myself hiding in one of the big plastic tunnel tubes on the playground, just praying my mom or someone would come.
A few neighborhood kids came. They looked at me, and then decided just to play with each other.
Eventually my mom came. She. Was. Pissed.
When it comes to grade school, I do remember one kid...his name was Christopher I think. He was a redheaded boy with freckles. I think we were in first or second grade and I remember playing Star Wars with him. The painted hopscotch thingy on the pavement was our ship.
I don't remember anything else about him. Heck, I don't remember him in class or at any moment before or after that one moment on the playground. I just remember thinking he was really nice for playing with me even though no one else wanted to...and even though I'd never seen Star Wars.
It was just that one time...at least as far as I can remember...
As the years went on, I did make a few best friends, but for some reason a new girl would come along and all of a sudden I was out of the picture. I was an easy target. If you picked on Tiff, she'd cry. Which, to grade school kids is hilarious. And so, it happened often.
When I got older, things seemed to change a bit. In high school I had a pretty great gaggle of friends, as a matter of fact I'm still very best friends with my first friend from 5th grade, when I changed schools.
Unfortunately, we're always both so busy we haven't been able to see each other since last July.
I don't know, this year I'm starting to feel like that solitary little girl again. Only now, thank goodness, I'm not shy and easily picked on. I'm just...super busy? And geographically undesirable? Maybe?
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Day, um...a Day of Pondering
So, it's been a whirlwind.
No...seriously. A series of ups and downs and and loops and...you get the point.
I think the biggest thing that I'm dealing with, as I inch closer and closer to 30 is that I'm just not sure what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life.
Here is what I know:
I know that I love to perform. Improv has changed my life. It's like...well...it's like let's say you spent your entire life thinking you were an only child and it's always felt like a part of you was missing...and then one day *BAM* your long lost twin knocks on your door and you suddenly feel complete.
In other words, improv is like a piece of my soul that's finally been reunited with the rest of my soul.
I also know that I love to write.
What I don't know is how I'm supposed to make a living as those two things typically don't pay the bills.
I dunno. I'll figure it out.
On a positive note, I was thinking about where I was in my life a year ago, and you know what? I'm actually happier now than I was then.
Even though I'm still struggling with it, I know myself much better than I did then.
This time last year I was pretty stressed out and dreading the summer or at least feared that my summer would be nonexistent...and it kind of was in a sense. I was incredibly busy and stressed with a project. I felt like a bad mom because I was so exhausted and mentally drained...so much so that I didn't have the energy to spend the time with my son that I wanted to give him and that he deserved. I was torn between who I knew I was, and who I needed to be at that time. And they were conflicting.
Now, although it's not perfect, I'm far less stressed. I'm enjoying my house, my summer, myself, and most importantly time with my child. As a matter of fact, today we went to the museum, then to dinner, and then to a short-form show at ComedySportz. We laughed. We had a blast. And for the first time in almost 2 years I realized that the time I was spending with him finally felt like I was spending it with him because, well, I just like to spend time with him.
Sometimes it used to have this tinge of guilt infused with it. I was there and present and having fun, but there was this cloud hanging over that felt like I needed to spend this time because I was being pulled away and was typically too stressed. Today I realized that cloud was gone. That we were spending time and having fun and I didn't feel like there was this part of me apologizing for being so busy and tired all the time.
Instead, we just had fun together...pressing buttons, learning about storms, and trying to find all of the "dead people" in the model train exhibit (you know...the poor miniature figurines that have, over the decades, fallen over and never been re-glued.) Hilarious.
No...seriously. A series of ups and downs and and loops and...you get the point.
I think the biggest thing that I'm dealing with, as I inch closer and closer to 30 is that I'm just not sure what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life.
Here is what I know:
I know that I love to perform. Improv has changed my life. It's like...well...it's like let's say you spent your entire life thinking you were an only child and it's always felt like a part of you was missing...and then one day *BAM* your long lost twin knocks on your door and you suddenly feel complete.
In other words, improv is like a piece of my soul that's finally been reunited with the rest of my soul.
I also know that I love to write.
What I don't know is how I'm supposed to make a living as those two things typically don't pay the bills.
I dunno. I'll figure it out.
On a positive note, I was thinking about where I was in my life a year ago, and you know what? I'm actually happier now than I was then.
Even though I'm still struggling with it, I know myself much better than I did then.
This time last year I was pretty stressed out and dreading the summer or at least feared that my summer would be nonexistent...and it kind of was in a sense. I was incredibly busy and stressed with a project. I felt like a bad mom because I was so exhausted and mentally drained...so much so that I didn't have the energy to spend the time with my son that I wanted to give him and that he deserved. I was torn between who I knew I was, and who I needed to be at that time. And they were conflicting.
Now, although it's not perfect, I'm far less stressed. I'm enjoying my house, my summer, myself, and most importantly time with my child. As a matter of fact, today we went to the museum, then to dinner, and then to a short-form show at ComedySportz. We laughed. We had a blast. And for the first time in almost 2 years I realized that the time I was spending with him finally felt like I was spending it with him because, well, I just like to spend time with him.
Sometimes it used to have this tinge of guilt infused with it. I was there and present and having fun, but there was this cloud hanging over that felt like I needed to spend this time because I was being pulled away and was typically too stressed. Today I realized that cloud was gone. That we were spending time and having fun and I didn't feel like there was this part of me apologizing for being so busy and tired all the time.
Instead, we just had fun together...pressing buttons, learning about storms, and trying to find all of the "dead people" in the model train exhibit (you know...the poor miniature figurines that have, over the decades, fallen over and never been re-glued.) Hilarious.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Day ???
So again, I've fallen behind. Why? Because so many wonderful things are happening!
I'm writing again. That's right. I'm working on two different stories. Not sure if they're novels or short stories, but they're alive and growing, and I'm really excited about it.
Also, this past weekend were the auditions for the Playground's Incubator program. Long story short: I made the newest Incubator team!
I can't even begin to tell you how excited, happy, and humbled I am about this. There was so much talent between the first audition and the callbacks. To have been chosen from such a group has really made me appreciate all the hard work and respect we improvisers have for this fun and amazing work we do.
My mindset during the whole experience was to stay away from any form of judgment first of all. When I say this, I mainly mean judgment of myself. I used to do this a lot before, but I've been working on this in all facets of my life, and thankfully, I let it go a while back and it stayed away during the audition. This freed me up to do the next thing I made sure to do: just have a shit ton of fun.
I wanted to play and have a great time. I wanted to discover things and play with new people. I wanted to have a positive experience and just let go. So I did. I didn't beat myself up for anything, even if after a scene or montage I thought about what I could have done better. That's never going to go away. But what I realized is that I just had to be present, in the moment, and play to the best of my ability while having the most fun I could possibly have.
Which isn't hard to do, because improv is probably the most fun (next to my moments with my son) I ever have.
Again, I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am that I get to be a part of this new journey and experience and I can't wait to work with the other nine very talented improvisers who were also chosen. But honestly, everyone I got to work with during the auditions was so super cool and talented, there isn't a single one I wouldn't play with.
Chicago is an amazing place, with amazing improv talent. And I am blessed to be a part of it.
*Happy Dance!*
I'm writing again. That's right. I'm working on two different stories. Not sure if they're novels or short stories, but they're alive and growing, and I'm really excited about it.
Also, this past weekend were the auditions for the Playground's Incubator program. Long story short: I made the newest Incubator team!
I can't even begin to tell you how excited, happy, and humbled I am about this. There was so much talent between the first audition and the callbacks. To have been chosen from such a group has really made me appreciate all the hard work and respect we improvisers have for this fun and amazing work we do.
My mindset during the whole experience was to stay away from any form of judgment first of all. When I say this, I mainly mean judgment of myself. I used to do this a lot before, but I've been working on this in all facets of my life, and thankfully, I let it go a while back and it stayed away during the audition. This freed me up to do the next thing I made sure to do: just have a shit ton of fun.
I wanted to play and have a great time. I wanted to discover things and play with new people. I wanted to have a positive experience and just let go. So I did. I didn't beat myself up for anything, even if after a scene or montage I thought about what I could have done better. That's never going to go away. But what I realized is that I just had to be present, in the moment, and play to the best of my ability while having the most fun I could possibly have.
Which isn't hard to do, because improv is probably the most fun (next to my moments with my son) I ever have.
Again, I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am that I get to be a part of this new journey and experience and I can't wait to work with the other nine very talented improvisers who were also chosen. But honestly, everyone I got to work with during the auditions was so super cool and talented, there isn't a single one I wouldn't play with.
Chicago is an amazing place, with amazing improv talent. And I am blessed to be a part of it.
*Happy Dance!*
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Day 197
I love Saturdays. I'm taking my Level 4B on Saturdays and so far, the first two classes have been incredible. Today I played a sheep, some sort of migraine bacteria (hahaha), a disgusting yoga instructor, a child in a swimming pool, a fish in a Petco fish tank, and so many other wonderful characters...surrounded by the wonderful characters my classmates brought.
I'm so honest when I say that improv has changed my life. It's not only that I love it...
...it's a part of me.
I'm so honest when I say that improv has changed my life. It's not only that I love it...
...it's a part of me.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Day 196
I interned tonight. Unfortunately I was not only too tired to Jam it up at the All-Star Celebrity Jam for Charity hosted by 3033, but I let my fear get a hold of me.
Yup. I still get nervous, especially in a Jam situation. I guess this will always be true, I mean the fear part. What's going to change is allowing that fear to win. From now on, I'm going to follow the fear...and whether I succeed or fail in my performance (or my writing...there's some fear there too), it won't matter.
I'm going to do it because I was put here to do it. And it's far worse to deny that and miss opportunities than to save face by not trying and therefore not failing. That's really a failure in itself. A failure that you can't learn from, other than reminding yourself that not doing anything at all is far worse than giving it a shot, come what may.
This upcoming Friday, I'm definitely going to try to play an actual game (provided there's time and I'm not super exhausted.) But if it appears that I'm just afraid to get up there, then I'm going to hop on that stage as soon as is humanly possible.
I love performing. And I don't want a silly fear to ever prevent me from doing so. Ever.
Yup. I still get nervous, especially in a Jam situation. I guess this will always be true, I mean the fear part. What's going to change is allowing that fear to win. From now on, I'm going to follow the fear...and whether I succeed or fail in my performance (or my writing...there's some fear there too), it won't matter.
I'm going to do it because I was put here to do it. And it's far worse to deny that and miss opportunities than to save face by not trying and therefore not failing. That's really a failure in itself. A failure that you can't learn from, other than reminding yourself that not doing anything at all is far worse than giving it a shot, come what may.
This upcoming Friday, I'm definitely going to try to play an actual game (provided there's time and I'm not super exhausted.) But if it appears that I'm just afraid to get up there, then I'm going to hop on that stage as soon as is humanly possible.
I love performing. And I don't want a silly fear to ever prevent me from doing so. Ever.
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